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Marriage Counseling
"Codependency "
By Dr. Marty Tashman
The world can be a hard place to deal with under
the best of circumstances. Many folks struggle with feeling good
about themselves and look to others to tell them that they are okay
as human beings.
Some people have difficulty saying no to others,
especially to those close to them such as a parent, a spouse, a
child, or a coworker. Many individuals don’t believe in their
ability to make a decision and get terribly upset when they are
yelled at or slighted by another person.
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Break the cycle of codependency __________________________________
"Give yourself a break." Most of us mortals look
to others for approval, direction and value. I am going to give you
three steps for you to take to begin to make decisions on what you
think is right for you.
These steps are a place to begin so that you can
do something to help yourself now. Try them and let me know what
happens and together we can come up with a personal strategy that
works for you.
Meet two people, Mary and Richard. Mary is 45
years old and has two children. Here is how she thinks about her
life: "I’m afraid to ask Tom (her husband) about our finances. I’m
not sure how much we have.
He gives me money whenever I ask for it, but I
don’t know if we have enough to get furniture. What happens if one
of the cars breaks down? I would like to get a job but Tom wants me
at home. Most women would trade places with me in a second."
Richard is 38 years old. He thinks to himself: "I
just can’t seem to please my wife. I hate my job, but Gale would be
very upset if I quit. Sure, I’m an architect and I could find
something else, but security is so important to Gail."
Mary and Richard are steering their personal ships
by their spouses’ compasses. The following are three steps that can
be taken to begin to deal with codependency.
Let’s go through these steps with Mary and
Richard.
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Step 1 - Rate Yourself
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On a scale from 1 to 5 on the codependency scale.
Think about how codependent you see yourself. If
you are hardly affected by your spouse or your parent, or your
boss’s opinion, rate yourself a 1. If you are constantly thinking
about the other person’s reactions and if your behavior is strongly
influenced by your concern/fear about their reactions then rate
yourself a 5.
Mary and Richard are both a "5" on the
codependency scale. Both are more focused on their spouse’s response
than their own perspectives. Mary would like to have a number of
things but is too afraid to bring up the subject with her husband
for discussion.
Richard is more concerned about his wife’s
response than he is about his day-to-day reality at work. Someone
else is overly influencing both people when Mary thinks to herself,
"The kids need to buy some new clothes. They are bursting out of
their old ones, but Jim will be so angry about that. Maybe I’ll just
wait.
Jim will be angry because I just spent money
fixing the garage door." Richard thinks to himself, "I would really
like to change my job, but I wonder how my wife will deal with it,
so I guess I won’t tell her, or I won’t change my job".
_______________________________
Step 2 - What I Like About Me
_______________________________
Spend Some Time thinking what you like about
yourself.
When you find, discover, or create likeable things
about yourself, being more self-reliant becomes easier. It helps to
sit down and write out a list. As it occurs to you, keep adding to
your list. The act of putting things down in black and white can
make those accomplishments and personal qualities more prominent in
your mind.
Finding reasons to like and believe in yourself is
one of the most important things that you can do to deal with your
inclination to be codependent. The more you like yourself the more
likely you are to present important issues to your "meaningful
other" (i.e. spouse, parent) in a clear, non-attacking manner.
Mary and Richard each have things that they can be
proud of.
Mary is a verbal, intelligent woman. Being an
effective full time mom is also an important and difficult job. She
manages the home and all the day-to-day activities that are
necessary for the family to function well.
Richard is a highly educated, sensitive man who is
devoted to his family.
It is important for both of these people to focus
on their strengths several times a day. Repeatedly thinking about
what you are good at or proud of may seem like a lot of work, but
consider how often we talk to ourselves in a negative way. A lack of
positive reinforcement can cause people to have a loss of
self-confidence and increases the chances of becoming dependent.
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Step 3 - Decide Where To Be Less Codependent
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Decide from whom and in what ways you would like
to be less codependent.
Give yourself a rating of how codependent you are.
A self-rating of 1 would be if you were not at all codependent and a
self-rating of 5 would be if you were extremely codependent. Think
about a task that would bring you a half step higher on the "self
confidence scale". Pick a specific period of time and do the task
that you have set for yourself.
Mary might begin by learning about her checkbook
or asking her husband to explain to her his thinking about their
finances. The idea is for her to study the issue of finances and not
focus on what her husband will or will not let her do. Talking with
her husband or learning about her finances on her own is a good
first step
Richard might start with thinking about where he
would like to work. He can focus his efforts on where he would like
to work rather than constantly thinking about his wife’s responses.
Developing his own plan will help him begin the
process. Once he has figured out how he will look for a new
position, he can deal with the issue of talking with his wife.
Dealing with codependency is not as easy as 1-2-3.
It is hard to break old habits. The three steps that I have outlined
will give you a starting point and some ideas of things you can do
on your own. If you have questions, or would like us to work
together, please give me a call.
Good luck.
About the author
Dr. Marty Tashman holds a doctorate in Clinical
Psychology; he is a licensed Marriage Counselor, and a certified
Social Worker. He holds a master’s degree in Counseling.
He specializes in short term marriage counseling.
Dr. Marty also works with couples where one partner is struggling
with addiction. To learn more about Dr. Marty go to his websites at:
http://www.DrMartyTashman.com,
http://www.YourmarriageCounselor.com
or
http://www.Beatingaddictions.com |
