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Sex
Twelve Ways to Make Your Spouse Dislike Sex
By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D
It’s really not difficult to ruin what could have been great sex. If
that’s your goal, following these twelve suggestions will ensure
that, over time, your spouse will become very creative in finding
ways to avoid having sex with you.
Of course, I'm writing this article “tongue in
cheek” to make a point. But I can assure you that these behaviors
will detract from your sexual relationship with your partner. That’s
because sexual feelings are vulnerable to being affected by so many
other factors, such as self-esteem, expectations, criticism,
emotional intimacy, and pressure.
So here are the behaviors guaranteed to be “turn
offs” to your spouse. In quote marks is the faulty reasoning that
gets marriages into trouble. In parentheses (...), I've added a
counterweight to the faulty reasoning.
1. Develop a set routine for when you want to
have sex—the same time and same place every week.
"That way, you don’t have to wonder when you’ll
have sex—Sunday night at 9:00 p.m. in the bedroom—just like clock
work. No use leaving it to chance, right?"
(How boring. Try adding excitement by surprising
your mate with something slightly new and different.)
2. Follow exactly the same “plays” and “moves”
each time.
"This way you both know what to expect each time.
It’s just too much work to come up with different things to try, and
after the honeymoon period, it’s not really necessary, is it?"
(Instead, remember a variation on the old saying
that variety is the spice of life... and of sex).
3. Drink a lot first so that you’re loosened
up.
"If your mate doesn’t like the smell or wishes you
wouldn’t drink so much before sex, it’s just too bad. You can’t let
your spouse tell you what to do, can you?"
(Consistent and excessive intoxication during sex
is a big turn-off and could indicate deeper problems.)
4. Only touch your spouse when your goal is to
have sex.
"Save your hugs, wet kisses, and holding hands
until you’re ready to signal that you want sex. That way your
partner will associate your touch with sex and know what to expect,
get my drift? Cuts down on misunderstandings, doesn't it?"
(Actually, the best sex can be the result of hours
or even days of buildup with no obvious sign of sex on the horizon.
During this time, any sign of affection - a touch, a hug, some
compliments - can be powerful foreplay that builds to ignite
passion.)
5. Expect your spouse to deliver the sexual
goods because you’re married.
"Your mate knows that every 'good' marriage
partner owes sex to the other partner as part of his or her
'duties.' After all, isn’t this supposed to be one of the benefits
of being married?"
(When sex becomes an obligation, it becomes as
appealing as paying taxes. Instead, if your goal is to make the
experience breathtaking for your partner, you'll never have to
invoke guilt or obligation to get sex.)
6. Push for sex even if your spouse seems
reluctant and uninterested as long as he or she says “okay.”
"If the verbal agreement is there, ignore the
behavioral signals that indicate reluctance. If your spouse didn’t
really want to have sex, he or she should have said so up front,
right?"
(Pay close attention to your mate's body language.
That can be more revealing of true interest in sex than words alone.
You'll damage your relationship if you forge ahead when your partner
only agrees just to get it over with.)
7. Skip foreplay and get to the major action
immediately.
"It takes too much time to bother with all that
extra stuff. Besides, both of you have to go to work in the morning
and need your sleep. You can’t afford to waste time."
(The truth is, there is often a direct correlation
to the amount of foreplay with the quality of the sex. The better
the buildup, the better the payoff.)
8. Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
"After all, you’re only trying to motivate your
mate to be a better sexual partner. It’s not healthy to keep things
in, so he or she will just have to listen to your critique."
(You will get more satisfying performance out of
your mate by praising what he or she does that you like, rather than
the contrary.)
9. Criticize your spouse’s physical appearance.
"If your partner has developed a beer belly or
gotten flabby, you’re doing him or her a favor to say how much that
turns you off. It’ll motivate your spouse to lose weight and shape
up, which will help him or her in the long run."
(The rule is: use positive strokes to motivate
your partner. Negative criticism will poison your sex life.)
10. Answer your cell phone during sex.
"You just never know; this call might be
important. Anyway, what’s the big deal? It’s not like you’ll never
have sex again. You’ve been having sex for years now, so why should
your partner get upset with an occasional interruption?"
(Respect your partner with your undivided
attention to get back the same. Minimize all distractions if
possible.)
11. Get it over with as fast as possible as
long as you’re satisfied.
"Don’t ask your partner if there’s anything you
can do for him or her. Just assume that everything’s okay unless
your mate says something."
(If satisfaction is not mutual, your sex life will
suffer. The simple question a couple can ask each other - "How can I
please you?" - works wonders.)
12. Jump up immediately and make your get-away
afterwards.
"The faster you get finished, the faster you’ll be
able to get to sleep. There’s no time to waste just lying there
talking. You can talk tomorrow over breakfast."
(Emotional closeness is the currency of intimacy
and you can achieve it by allowing each other to share honest
feelings. Pillow talk after sex is one of the best times for this.)
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your
Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you
anymore!" This is available at
http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com,
where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage
Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your
marriage. |
