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Sex
Lets Talk About Sex
By Claire Hatch, LICSW
Sex after marriage. Does it exist? Yes, but sometimes you have to
look hard to find it! Most experts say married couples don't have
enough sex because of the pace of modern life. Or because they have
small children in the house. Or because of communication problems
and resentments that have built up over the years. All true.
What married couple doesn't struggle with these
challenges? But there's another reason for low-sex marriage that I
don't hear much about. This might sound harsh, but the truth is, for
a lot of people it was never that good to begin with. I mean good in
the sense of being truly physically satisfying. In the beginning of
a relationship, sex might be exciting or fun or sweet, but not
really physically satisfying.
If that's the way it was for you, you probably
remember that when your relationship was new, it didn't matter so
much. The newness itself lent excitement to everything. Also, in the
beginning, it felt wonderful just to be close and never mind the
details. But now that you're married, you've got plenty of
togetherness. Sometimes it feels like way too much togetherness.
Double or triple that if you've got small
children. Your idea of sensual bliss might be an entire evening
without anyone touching you at all. Or an extra hour of sleep. Under
these conditions, sex is not going to pique your interest unless you
know it's going to be really, really good. "OK, then what do we have
to do to make it really, really good?" That would be the ideal
approach.
But when it comes to sex, it's usually not that
simple. It's hard to admit it's not all it could be. You don't want
to hurt your partner's feelings. And you don't want to get hurt,
either. You might be afraid to find out what your partner is
thinking. "What if he doesn't find me attractive any more?" "What if
I 'm not good enough for her?" And you're so busy. It's easier to
focus on other things and let sex take a back seat in your marriage.
Most likely, your worst fears are unfounded.
There's nothing dire going on at all. Any problem starts to look
like a dragon when you don 't talk about it. This is especially true
of sexual issues because we have such strong feelings about them.
Chances are, your sex life just needs a little attention.
That's why I suggest a very gentle approach. You
don't have to have a heavy conversation about the meaning of sex in
your relationship. And please, don't try to figure out whose fault
it is you're not having more sex. I guarantee you that will not make
either of you feel sexier! Just think in terms of getting
re-acquainted with your partner. Ask her what she likes. And tell
her what you like in a gentle, positive way.
Say what you want more of, not want you don't
like. "You know, I really like it when you touch me right here."
Breaking a pattern feels awkward at first. Those comfortable married
habits have a powerful momentum! Don't expect a 180 turnaround.
Just aim to open the door and get comfortable
talking about sex in a loving way. Then you can both gradually guide
each other to more satisfying sex. I'm sure you'd both really love
that. The hardest part is taking the first step. That takes guts.
Someone has to decide it's worth it. Will that someone be you?
__________________
Claire Hatch, LICSW is a marriage counselor who
specializes in turning troubled relationships around. In addition to
offering marriage counseling in Seattle, she gives workshops such as
"Stop Arguments Before They Start" and "How to Build to a Rock Solid
Marriage." www.clairehatch.com.
Claire can be reached at 425 823-2273 or
mail to:claire@clairehatch.com. |
