Take a Time-Out to Improve Your Marriage

Discussions and disagreements often pose challenges in marriage. Spouses avoid expressing thoughts, feelings and desires because they don’t want to engage in a conflict. This “conflict avoidance” is very common, and it often involves partners overreacting to each other during disagreements.

If ignored, conflict avoidance can cause emotional distancing, resentment, disengagement and even unnecessary divorce. But with a little time, effort, courage and skill, you can learn how to face your conflicts while cultivating a better understanding of yourself.

Patterns of Conflict

Because conflicts can cause discomfort, partners often hold back because they imagine anxiety about expressing their true selves. Many people with conflict avoidance issues grew up in homes where it wasn’t safe to express their true feelings. If they tried to express themselves, they experienced rejection, such as glares or strict discipline, from a parent, so they decided early on to withhold the healthy expression of their thoughts and feelings. Some people avoid conflict because they’re fearful of losing the love of their partners, and some are uncomfortable because they lack effective discussion skills.

A common pattern of conflict avoidance is when one partner escalates a discussion by attacking the other partner. The attacked partner begins to shut down and avoid communication altogether. Both partners avoid sharing their authentic feelings, making it difficult to effectively resolve disagreements. A healthy partner learns to artfully express thoughts, feelings and desires in a way that the other partner can take in.

Helene and Dirk’s Conflict

Helene and Dirk each had two children from former marriages. Usually, their arguments were focused on parenting issues, but they rarely found resolution. Helene was more articulate than Dirk and became impatient when he didn’t quickly share his thoughts. When he did voice opinions, Helene thought he was criticizing her, which led her to attack and lecture.

Because Helene became overly emotional and stopped listening, Dirk felt misunderstood. Dirk was actually angry at Helene, but he was afraid he’d explode, so he decided to do the easiest thing — apologize and keep quiet. He felt more and more distant from Helene and began to avoid interacting with her. He started staying late at work, and resentment began to grow between the two of them. Gradually, he began to act out his hurt and anger by making sarcastic comments in front of the kids, and this gave them a harmful message.

Let’s look at a typical pattern of impaired communication between Dirk and Helene:

Helene: You should talk to your son. It really bothers me the way he talked to me yesterday. His tone was disrespectful, and kids should have more respect for their elders. You just indulge him, and you’re not doing him any favors. You always spoil your kids by letting them do whatever they want. You should set boundaries with them and follow through with consequences. How do you think I feel?

(Helene gives Dirk the “should” treatment with accusatory statements that frequently use “should” and “you.” She also makes exaggerated statements by using the word “always.” Then she disrespectfully lectures her husband like he was a child.)

Dirk: But you’re not letting him be a teenager: kids normally go through rebellious stages toward adults. You need to lighten up. (Dirk minimizes Helene feelings by telling her to lighten up.)

Helene: See, there you go again, always taking Henry’s side. I want to feel like I matter, but the kids seem more important to you. (Helene’s effectively shares a “want” statement that could help Dirk understand her needs.)

Instead of tolerating the discomfort that is common when two partners disagree, Helene overreacted by attacking Dirk. Dirk overreacted by shutting down over his real thoughts and feelings.

In essence, they avoided the anxiety of being in conflict: Helen escalated her emotions and treated Dirk like a child, and Dirk held back his thoughts and feelings in stubborn defiance.

When Helene started lecturing, Dirk sat on his feelings instead of asking her to stop. He imagined speaking up would lead to a big fight like those he’d had with his mother when he was young. His defensiveness got in the way of communicating how he felt, which would have helped them continue their discussion.

Time for a Time-Out

So how could Dirk and Helene learn a healthy communication pattern that could facilitate closeness and intimacy? An important first step was to take a time-out when either felt like the conversation was going nowhere.

A time-out allows a partner to get perspective on an issue by calming down, remembering the good about the other partner and thinking about how to further the discussion. Try to take action as soon as you notice that you’re going in circles and/or getting destructive with things like name-calling and disrespectful comments.

Helene learned to take a time-out when she felt agitation and/or anger, which interfered with her speaking in a factual, objective way. She became bossy and abrupt when agitated and couldn’t remember the good things about Dirk. During her time-outs, Helen did the following:

• She practiced deep breathing while she repeated positive statements about Dirk to herself like “I know my husband is too lenient with his kids, but he’s a loving father and generally provides a good role model.” This helped her relax and get things in perspective so she could take a more positive approach in their communication.

• She reflected on Dirk’s side of the story and came up with questions to ask to better understand his side.

Dirk learned to say, “Helene, I really want to resolve this matter, but right now it feels destructive. I need to take a time-out.” He admitted to Helene that he had a problem shutting down when he became upset.

As a defense, he exerted control by not sharing his inner feelings of discomfort. Dirk had a stubborn, rebellious streak, and it was hard for him to speak up about his more vulnerable side. So when Dirk took a time-out, he did the following:

• He identified whether he felt anxious, scared, mad, annoyed, hurt, frustrated or sad.

• He talked himself into speaking up by saying to himself, “OK, I can do this. Speaking up is the strong thing to do, and Helene almost always responds positively when I share my feelings.”

Dirk was then able to say to Helene, “I feel hurt and angry when it seems like you are talking down to me. I think to myself, ‘She doesn’t care about how I feel,’ and I want to just shut down to get back at you.” Once Dirk was able to share his authentic feelings, Helene felt closer to him. When Dirk felt understood, he was willing to compromise because he knew Helene was making an effort for their relationship.

As a relationship expert, I realize that taking a time-out can be challenging. Sometimes people just want to yell and vent their feelings, but acting on impulse often damages relationships. Learning to break up patterns of destructive communication can make a tremendous difference in your relationship, so I hope you will practice making wise use of time-outs to get on track toward an extraordinary relationship.

About the Author:

Dr. Wolters specializes in relationship therapy, child and adolescent therapy, and in the early identification and treatment of mood disorders in teenagers and young adults. She has helped many couples revitalize their marriages, improve family functioning and create healthy environments for children and teens. You can visit her website at www.PatriceWolters.com