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Communication
The High Cost of Resentment and Anger in Marriage
By Nancy Wasson, Ph. D.
Many spouses carry heavy suitcases filled with a collection of anger
and resentment from their marriage. Periodically, they unpack these
suitcases and review every situation in which they feel they were
treated unfairly.
"Resentment is an extremely bitter diet, and
eventually poisonous. I have no desire to make my own toxins,"
declares Neil Kinnock. Hanging on to anger and resentment is toxic,
and the resulting sludge can slowly poison you.
It's easy to lose your perspective about the
bigger picture and to be become obsessed with how things "should"
have been and how others "should" have treated you. In your mind,
you may visualize yourself zapping the other person with the perfect
verbal comeback or having the opportunity to get even in some way.
The more you let your mind gallop in this direction, the angrier you
get and the more you feel self-righteous and justified in your
reaction.
When you become mired in anger, resentment, blame,
and revenge, you are only hurting yourself. In the process, you put
yourself at risk for experiencing health problems, sleeping
difficulties, depression, relationship rifts, and daily agitation.
You automatically increase your stress level and decrease your
enjoyment of life. And the longer you carry a grudge, the heavier it
gets.
Nothing you do to try to find inner peace will be
effective when you are filled with anger and resentment. "If we have
not peace within ourselves, it is in vain to seek it from outward
sources," states Francois de La Rochefoucauld.
As long as you hold on to bitter feelings, you are sabotaging
yourself by destroying any chance that you can experience peace of
mind.
Dr. Wayne Dyer, in "10 Secrets for Success and
Inner Peace," states: "It's your ego that demands that the world and
all the people in it be as you think they should be." He continues
by saying, "It is perhaps the most healing thing that you can do to
remove the low energies of resentment and revenge from your life
completely."
Dr. Dyer compares resentment to venom that continues to circulate in
your system long after the snakebite has occurred. He emphasizes
that it's not the bite that kills you; it's the venom.
What, then, is the antidote? How can you find
peace of mind? How can you handle your feelings of anger and
resentment from the experiences in your marriage? How can you create
a peaceful marriage now?
The answer lies in letting go of resentment and
practicing forgiveness. You can't change what has happened, and you
can't control what your spouse chooses to do. But you do have
control over the choices you make.
You can choose to cut the emotional bond that is
keeping you tied to your anger and resentment. Instead, you can
decide to experience the joy of freedom from the heavy burdens you
have been carrying around for so long. To get the help you need in
letting go of the past, you always have the option of asking a
therapist or minister to assist you.
Thomas Fuller observes, "He that cannot forgive
others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every
man has need to be forgiven." Without forgiveness, your life becomes
an endless cycle of anger, resentment, and retaliation.
You practice forgiveness so that you can stop
ruminating about the past and put your energy into the present
moment. And you practice forgiveness so that you will be free from
the poisonous effects of resentment.
Then, you can experience peace of mind and bring
that inner peacefulness into your marriage. You will never have a
peaceful marriage until you are at peace within yourself.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your
Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you
anymore!" The e-book is available at
http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com,
where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet
Magazine. Contact Nancy at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com. |
