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Communication
What to Do When Your Spouse Won't Talk
By Nancy Wasson, Ph. D.
How to get a spouse’s attention so that he or she will communicate
with you is an issue that mystifies many couples.
Spouses report trying many techniques, such as trying to talk
rationally and logically, watching to see when a spouse is in a good
mood, and waiting for a time when the television is off. They also
share stories of begging, pleading, threatening, and finally,
yelling and screaming.
If you are having problems getting your spouse to
talk to you and to share feelings and opinions, here are some
additional things you can do to facilitate communication. First, you
have to grab your spouse’s attention, which is what these tips are
designed to do.
1.When you’re talking to your spouse and start
getting overly-emotional, lower your voice instead of raising it.
This breaks the pattern of tempers escalating, followed by loud
yelling. If your spouse asks what you’re doing, just say that you
read that lowering your voice was a way to defuse anger. Maybe your
partner will decide to try it, too.
2.Write your spouse a letter or e-mail stating
your feelings, requests, or questions.
Include how not talking about or resolving the issues is affecting
you. For example, you might say, “When you call me horrible names, I
feel like I’ve been betrayed. I don’t want anything to lessen my
love for you, but I know that if this continues, I won’t feel the
same way toward you.
Can we please agree not to call each other names (or can we make an
appointment with a marriage counselor, etc.)?”
3.Buy a cute, funny, or clever greeting card
and include a note asking if you can schedule a time to talk to him
when you both will be uninterrupted.
Some spouses have an easier time talking to their partner in a
restaurant over dinner, so you could suggest making plans for going
out for a meal.
Obviously, you wouldn’t want to discuss your most
emotional issues in public, but maybe you could use the occasion to
handle some relatively routine things. And then agree on a future
time to talk about the more sensitive topics.
4.When you give your spouse a card or note
asking if you can schedule a time to talk.
Include his or her favorite candy bar or a package of chewing
gum—some small item that shows you pay attention to what your
partner likes. With a candy bar, you might attach a note that says,
“To my sweet Sweetie—could you please let me know when we can
schedule a time to talk? Thanks so much. Enjoy the candy!”
5.Make a written list of your questions and
include a “yes” and “no” box next to the question.
Also include boxes that say “Undecided” and “Need More Details.” Be
as specific as you can. For example, you might make a list of
possible activities and places to go on a “date night” and ask your
partner to respond.
In that case, you would put a category of “Other suggestions” at the
bottom so your spouse could include additional ideas. Or you could
make a list of possible times during the week that the two of you
could reserve for private talks. Another idea is to make a list of
things you think are important to resolve, and see if your spouse
agrees or disagrees.
6.Look for something to “trade” with your
spouse, such as offering to take the kids to a movie so your spouse
can have friends over or enjoy some private time to relax.
In return, negotiate for an uninterrupted time to discuss pertinent
relationship issues—maybe a relative can keep the children or they
can spend a weekend afternoon with friends.
Or you might offer to do a certain chore that your partner detests
doing in exchange for some “talk time,” which your spouse may equate
with being slowly tortured. Make a creative trade-off.
7.Just because you think the tips won’t work,
don’t prematurely discount them.
I have worked with numerous clients in marriage counseling who have
tried these tips or variations of them, and the results have often
been amazing.
Spouses who don’t normally express feelings verbally sometimes
respond in writing, much to the astonishment of their partners. In
other cases, spouses who receive letters have initiated
conversations about how the letter has opened their eyes to things
they didn’t realize before.
Use these seven tips to jumpstart your thinking
about different ways to open communication channels with your
spouse. And if one attempt falls flat, try another. That’s what all
successful researchers do—and they don’t hide behind the words,
‘It’ll never work.” Experiment with an open mind and you may be
surprised at the results.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your
Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you
anymore!" The e-book is available at
http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com,
where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet
Magazine. Contact Nancy at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com. |
