|
Communication
Does Your Marriage Suffer from an Attention Shortage?
By Claire Hatch, LICSW
Years ago when I was working in a mental health
center, I served on a committee that was redesigning the
communications systems. In one meeting, a committee member named
Susan said, "The receptionists sound frantic when they answer the
phone. They need to learn to give each caller their complete
attention, even when they're multi-tasking."
Now that's a goal to aspire to. There's just one
problem: It's impossible! Either you're multi- tasking or you're
giving your full attention, but not both. Nonetheless, lot of us set
out to achieve this impossible goal every day.
At work you can get away with giving people less
than your full attention. Generally speaking, your customers and
colleagues are not seeking a deep emotional connection with you. But
at home, it's a different story.
Stop for a moment and think: Does it feel like
there's more tension in your marriage than there used to be? Does
your partner seem to have developed a new set of annoying habits? Or
do you just have a vague sense that your relationship isn't as juicy
and satisfying as it used to be? Consider the possibility that
there's an attention shortage in your marriage.
Pure attention nourishes us in a way that nothing
else can. One Saturday, I was working on a speech I had to give the
next week and I was feeling the pressure. I heard a little voice
calling from the doorway of my office: "Cla-a-a-aire!" It was my
step- daughter, Kristina.
"Not now, Honey," I said, typing frantically,
"I've really got to get this done."
A couple of minutes later, I heard it again. "Cla-a-a-
aire!"
"Look, I'll talk to you in 5 minutes. I really
need to concentrate now."
"Cla-a-a-aire!"
Exasperated, I finally stopped typing and turned
to look at her. "All right, what do you want?"
Kristina smiled at me and waved. "Hi!" Then she
scampered off.
We grownups are really no different. We all need
regular doses of undivided attention to make us feel close,
connected, and loved. Here are three guidelines for increasing this
kind of attention in your marriage.
Say What You See You might have taken
communication classes where they tell you to ask open ended
questions, such as, "How did you feel when your boss
cancelled the project?" Questions are great, but
sometimes you can make people feel more deeply understood by showing
that you already get it.
Let her know you notice her behavior. "You seem
pretty quiet today." And then go a step further by guessing how she
feels: "I wonder if you're feeling disappointed because your boss
cancelled that project."
If you're right, she'll get that wonderful feeling
that someone else understands. If you're wrong, just let her explain
what's really going on. The key to this technique is humility. You
wonder if that's how she feels. Never confuse this with telling her
how she feels, a surefire way to sabotage your connection!
Be Willing to Be Surprised One casualty of a
long-term relationship is listening with an open mind. After all,
when you know someone well, you become accustomed to
the themes in his conversation. And yet, he still
has the capacity to surprise you, if you let him. He's still a
growing, changing being who 's learning new things and dealing with
new concerns all the time.
To really give your partner pure attention,
mentally set aside your expectations about what he's going to say
and stay open. I guarantee you that he'll feel the difference.
Make the First Move. If there's an attention
shortage in your marriage, you might be feeling like you're running
on empty and you have nothing to give. And you're waiting for your
partner to fill your tank, so that you can feel more loving.
The trouble is, she's feeling exactly the same
way. You could be stuck here for a long time! It only takes one of
you to put your marriage back on the road to deeper connection. Why
not decide it's going to be you?
Leave the multi-tasking at work. That's what it
was invented for. At home, it's not about how much you get done,
it's about how much you connect. Give your partner what he longs for
most, your complete attention, and see what happens.
__________________
Claire Hatch, LICSW, is a licensed counselor who
specializes in turning marriages around. She works with clients in
her Seattle area office and by phone around the world. Claire also
gives seminars on how to turn conflict to connection, build a strong
marriage, and balance family and work.
|
