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Communication
S.T.O.P.-- A 4-Step Strategy for Handling Conflicts Without
Hurting Your Relationship
By Betsy Sansby, MS
Brain researchers have found that when people are scared, hurt,
or angry, they're physiologically incapable of thinking straight.
Stress hormones flood the body and cause the rational part of the
brain to shut down, and the irrational part to take over. That’s why
angry people don’t talk to each other, they rant and rave--or work
on their trucks.
The S.T.O.P. Strategy will help you calm down when you're upset,
so you can gain perspective and reconnect from a better place.
The best way to use it is to practice the four steps often, and to
start using the strategy during a low-level conflict. That way, when
things get really hot, you'll already know how to use it. Here are
the four steps:
1. STOP! As soon as you notice yourself getting
uncomfortable with the way your conversation is going, STOP! Then
say: I need a time out. This tells your partner you need a break,
without blaming her (him) for your discomfort.
2. TIME OUT. Time out means physically separating from
each other in order to stop the hurt. It means going away for a
short time (30-60 minutes) and coming back after both of you have
calmed down and have completed Step 3: OWN YOUR PART.
· Brain researchers have found that once the heart is beating 95
bpm or above, the thinking brain (neocortex) shuts down and the
emotional brain (amygdala) takes over. This means it does no good to
keep arguing when you’re both upset, because the reasonable part of
your brain is no longer listening.
· John Gottman’s research on marital satisfaction found that
couples who disengage when things start heating up, and try again
after both people are calmer, stay together and report greater
satisfaction in their relationships.
3. OWN YOUR PART. This means taking responsibility for
your part in creating the problem. It means calming yourself down,
analyzing your behavior, and redirecting your energy away from
attacking or defending.
Most people believe they’ve won if they’ve gotten their spouse to
do things their way. Don’t mistake submission for devotion, or
obedience for love.
Every act of overt muscling by one partner leads to 2 equally
powerful acts of covert defiance by the other!
Examples of Overt Muscling:
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Demanding sex and/or
obedience
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Controlling resources:
$, freedom, time
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Using violence or
threats to control partner
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Showing anger and
contempt for partner in public (includes: attacks on character or
appearance as well as acting as if partner is invisible)
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Shouting or
intimidating with words or gestures (includes: sarcasm, mocking,
finger-pointing, cornering, taunting,)
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Blaming, belittling,
interrogating, name-calling
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Hammering a point to
death
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Ganging up on partner
by bringing in kids, in-laws, other allies.
-
Excusing your bad
behavior by blaming your partner for it: I wouldn’t drink if you
weren’t so X .”
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Doing any of the above
in front of your children
Examples of Covert Defiance:
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Withdrawing or
Avoiding (includes: the garage, the kids, work, school, alcohol,
etc.)
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Stonewalling
(includes: the silent treatment, refusing to talk)
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Withholding affection,
attention, tenderness, appreciation, sex
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Making excuses for why
you didn’t follow-through . . . again
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Making and breaking
promises and agreements
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Procrastinating
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Chronic “forgetting”:
“Oops. . . You know how my memory is.”
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Chronic lateness
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Chronic apologies
without subsequent changes in behavior
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Flaunting your
affection for others in front of your partner
-
Lying or hiding the
truth
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Bad-mouthing your
partner to your children, friends, family
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Developing a social
network that excludes your spouse
OWNING YOUR PART means that during your time out you take
responsibility for calming yourself down and redirecting your energy
away from attacking or defending toward understanding and caring for
your relationship.
Techniques for calming yourself down: going for a walk, taking a
hot bath, listening to quiet music, writing in a journal.
Questions to help you redirect your energy:
1. What negative behaviors from the lists above did I use?
2. How might those behaviors have contributed to the bad
feelings my partner and I experienced?
3. What could I have done that would have been more helpful,
more considerate, more kind?
4. Assuming that most people don’t attack or defend unless
they’re feeling threatened, what vulnerable feelings were behind
my anger and (or) defensiveness? (Examples: fear, guilt,
embarrassment, sadness, hurt)
5. What vulnerable feelings might have been behind my partner’s
behavior? (Examples: fear, guilt, embarrassment, sadness, hurt)
After you’ve answered these questions and have a better
understanding of what went wrong and what part you played, you’re
ready for the last step: PEACE OFFERING.
4. PEACE OFFERING! Assuming you’ve done all 3 previous
steps, you should be ready to come back together and talk. Each of
you should take a turn sharing what you learned about yourself from
your time away.
This means owning your part, apologizing to your partner for the
hurt you may have caused, and making a peace offering. A peace
offering can be as simple as a hug or a kiss, or it can be a promise
or an agreement to do something different.
When both of you have completed this step, chances are you’ll be
feeling lots better.
Here’s an example of how this step might sound:
“At first, all I could see was what you did to make me mad, but
when I went through the lists and saw: blaming, forgetting, and
excusing--I realized that I played a part in what went wrong.
I think I was attacking you because I was feeling guilty myself for
forgetting to do X. Sorry. I know I let you down. Next time I can
try to be more honest sooner, or I can at least stop blaming you
before you’ve even had a chance to talk. I promise to do X by
Friday.”
Sounds good, huh? You can do it, too. Practice the STOP strategy
over and over until the steps are automatic. It takes lots of
repetition, so hang in there!
When you’ve got it down, try teaching it to your kids. If they’re
too young to understand it, use the strategy in front of them.
They’ll learn by example how to communicate lovingly and
respectfully.
Betsy Sansby, MS, LMFT is a licensed marriage & family therapist
with over 20 years experience counseling individuals, couples, and
families. She is also the coauthor—with her husband—of seven
instructional books on hand-drumming and percussion, including their
latest book for kids, Slap Happy.
She is the creator of an ingenious
communication tool for couples called: The Ouchkit: A First-Aid Kit
for Your Relationship. Clients who have used the kit describe it as:
“Marriage Counseling in a Box.”
You can read her advice column “Ask
Betsy” at: www.theouchkit.com
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