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Communication
How I Improved My Marriage
Ten-Fold In One Evening
By Beth Young, Senior Editor of MarriageAdvice.com
It seems unlikely that anyone could
improve his or her marriage in one evening. Well read on! Any
positive step in the right direction is an improvement that will
continue as long as the efforts continue to be made.
As our recent MarriageAdvice.com poll
showed, more than 40% of our 207 respondents identified that the
single biggest frustration in their marriage was that their husbands
"Didn't Communicate Enough".
Below is a 8-step process to insure
that both partners are communicating well.
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Step #1 - Decide To Communicate
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There are really only two options
when it comes to communicating...either you do it or your don't.
It's better to try and communicate and fumble around a bit than
ignore the problem until it explodes like a pent up volcano.
The wise spouse will work to resolve
and discuss their feelings before the lava of scalding words
overflows.
Part of deciding to communicate will
include setting aside a time each week to discuss family needs and
concerns. This would also be a good time to resolve any minor
conflicts that have arisen during the week but weren't fully taken
care of previously. _______________________________
Step #2 - Choose A Good Time
_______________________________
If a more heated conflict occurs,
it's important to find the right time to discuss the matter. Waiting
for your scheduled night for communicating would not be the best
idea; however, taking a little time to give both partners time to
cool off is important as well.
Working to resolve a big conflict
should wait until a time when both parties are not wrung out, angry,
tire, or hungry. Your physical state directly impacts your mental
state and your ability to work through problems in a rational
manner.
Additionally, as we allow ourselves
time to calm down, we are better able to carefully think about what
is really bothering us besides this specific event. In many cases,
the topic of the current disagreement may not be the real problem.
As we take time to ponder and look
for the root of the problem, we are better able to expand our vision
to the whole picture and not just have tunnel vision of the current
problem at hand. Keep in mind, it may just be we've had a bad day
and this problem was the last straw.
It's much easier to resolve a problem
when we have a better perspective of what is really going on inside
of our head and heart. _______________________________
Step #3 - Neutralize Defenses
_______________________________
Before you have a deep discussion on
something that is bothering you, consider two things. First, your
spouse will be more receptive to the discussion if you reinforce
your love, and express appreciation and confidence in their many
attributes.
Second, you choose if you will be
irritated or angry, so you need to express yourself in a away that
acknowledges your responsibility for your feelings. "You make me so
mad!" Really is a false statement because you have allowed yourself
to become mad.
However, if you said, "When you make
fun of me in front of our friends, it embarrasses me and I feel
angry and frustrated," you would be giving a very accurate statement
about what has happened to you. Invite your spouse to help you solve
this problem you are having, then they become part of the solution,
not the problem.
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Step #4 - Use Humor
_________________________
Like they say, "laughter is the best
medicine". It's true, physiologically, it relieves stress, and
mentally it gives you a time out to relax. You will find that the
longer you have been married, the more you have to laugh about.
Many things that were painful or
frustrating at the time can be viewed with great humor years later.
Creating code words from some of
these humorous events will help relieve tensions when a similar
event threatens to evolve.
When either my husband or I say
something that is insensitive to the work effort done by the other,
all we have to say is "I hate kidney beans", and the other one
immediately realizes their actions are bordering on being
insensitive.
It's an easy way to control tense
situations, prevent them from escalating and elicit a sincere, "I'm
Sorry."
A word of caution, be sensitive to
the situation. There are times when humor is neither appropriate or
too late in coming and will be viewed as sarcasm. Sarcasm has no
place in true efforts to communicate. ____________________
Step #5 - Be Fair
____________________
Be careful when discussing sensitive
issues and don't fall into touchy subjects that you know will
enflame the argument.
Looking for fair solutions may
require compromising or acquiescing. Remember, you both need to
give, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, to resolve conflicts.
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Step #6 - Finding a Peaceful
Stalemate _________________________________________
There are times when you need to just
agree to disagree. You don't always have to agree 100% with your
spouse, so there are occasions when a peaceful stalemate would be
appropriate. It is only a legitimate solution as long as it isn't
just putting off the blow up for another time.
A peaceful stalemate results in open
discussion about your differences, why neither of you feel you can
change at this time, and acceptance of each others differences.
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Step #7 - Willingness to Change
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When we truly feel loved, it gives us
the freedom to risk changing and growing into a new and improved
version of our old self.
As we nurture our marriage
relationship, the love and acceptance we feel will be liberating as
we make minor and sometimes major changes in whom we are.
Marriage is a wonderful opportunity
to practice charity towards our spouse and provide a safe
relationship where growth can occur. _______________________________
Step #8 - Bolster Each Other
_______________________________
No matter what solution you have
arrived at, it's important to always express love and confidence in
each other after a disagreement. As we show this love in days to
come, it will be clear that no one is harboring ill feelings about
the disagreement and that it was truly resolved.
When both partners feel loved and
supported in their relationship after a disagreement, it's easier to
resolve future problems with love and respect.
By applying these eight communication steps, you have now discovered
how you can change your marriage in one evening. It will take
practice, but with time, you will find that your marriage has
improved more than ten-fold.
Beth Young is the Senior Editor of the leading
marriage advice web site,
www.MarriageAdvice.com. For more articles related to
strengthening your marriage and family, go to
http://www.marriageadvice.com. MarriageAdvise.Com is a web site
dedicated to a community of husbands and wives who are working to
create happy marriages that last a lifetime.
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