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Communication
Enhancing Communication in Marriage
By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.
In marriages, many arguments and hurt feelings can be traced back to
communication problems. It's not unusual for spouses to stay in a
continual state of frustration, feeling misunderstood and
unappreciated.
Unexpressed feelings can pile up and poison the
relationship. When you repress your anger, it will always come out
later, usually after something minor has upset you.
You may find that it's difficult to have a
complete conversation without you or your spouse leaving the room
before the conflict is resolved. The emotional buttons that your
spouse pushes in you can make you want to bolt and get away from
your uncomfortable feelings and reactions.
Learning to communicate more effectively with your
spouse requires that you be fully present and attentive. You have to
be committed to really listening and hearing, not only with your
ears but also with your heart. You want to eliminate any
communication blocks that prevent you and your partner from growing
in understanding and intimacy.
Communication blocks are anything that you do,
verbally or non-verbally, to keep you from connecting deeply with
another person. Some examples of communication blocks in marriage
are:
- Rolling your eyes and looking resigned or
exasperated when your spouse is talking;
- Sighing deeply and loudly when your spouse is
sharing his/her viewpoint;
- Looking at your watch or a clock repeatedly;
- Not stopping what you're doing when your spouse
is trying to have a serious talk with you;
- Not making eye contact and not giving your
partner your undivided attention;
- Using the time when your spouse is talking to
think about other things unrelated to the conversation;
- Tuning your spouse out because you've heard the
same thing repeatedly and are convinced it's the same old speech;
- Becoming defensive and angry immediately
instead of showing your partner the respect of hearing him/her
out;
- Belittling your spouse, name calling, cursing,
shaking or pointing a finger, or getting in his/ her face.
- Interrupting your partner before he/she is
finished talking.
It has been said that for every minute you are
angry with someone, you lose sixty seconds of happiness that you can
never get back. It just makes good sense to do everything you can to
preserve the good will and intimacy of your marriage when conflict,
anger, hurt feelings, and disagreements occur.
If you truly love your partner, you will not want
to rip him/her to shreds verbally, or to ignore or discount
differing opinions and beliefs. You will want to do everything you
can to insure that you have quality communication in your
relationship and that you are communicating your caring, love, and
respect to your spouse
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "The most important
thing in any relationship is not what you get but what you give."
While you cannot control how someone else will react to your
efforts, you can commit to doing all you can to create a safe
environment where intimacy can flourish.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your
Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you
anymore!" The e-book is available at
http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com,
where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet
Magazine. Contact Nancy at
Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com. |
