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Communication
The Compatibility Myth
By Claire Hatch, LICSW
We all know that technology is changing our lives at an astounding
rate. I’ve watched with fascination as online dating has gone from
marginal to mainstream almost overnight.
It seems like almost every week, I meet a couple coming in for
pre-marital counseling who met online. Three years ago, that rarely
happened.
I decided I should find out what these services
are all about, so I logged on and took a tour of several popular
services. I immediately noticed they all had something in common.
All of them promised to help you find someone who is compatible with
you. You may be asking yourself, What’s so remarkable about that?
Everyone knows compatibility is important when choosing a mate.
This is one of those times when “what everyone
knows” is wrong. These days, when mental health professionals want
to know what a happy marriage looks like, they turn to John Gottman,
Ph.D.
That’s because he has spent upwards of twenty-five years observing
couples and he offers us a treasure trove of information about what
makes happy couples different from unhappy couples.
What does Dr. Gottman say about compatibility? He
says it will help your marriage—but only a little. It is not nearly
as important as respect, acceptance, emotional connection, and
communication.
How can this be? After all, we all know that
conflicts erupt when we want different things, whether it’s what to
do this weekend or how to raise our kids.
The truth is, while it might appear that the stumbling block is
different opinions, the bigger problem is really how we communicate
about those opinions.
I once took a dancing class from a teacher who
said, “If you see a couple screw up on the dance floor and then
laugh, they might be married, but not to each other.”
You could see smiles of recognition all around the room. You and
your partner might share a love of dancing, but that’s not enough to
keep you from getting into a ballroom power struggle.
On the other hand, you can disagree about major
life issues and still feel close and connected, if you communicate
well. Dana and Steve ran into trouble after the birth of their first
child.
Once she was actually a mom, Dana changed her mind about her plan to
return to work after two months of maternity leave. “My priorities
have turned upside down,” she said. “Nothing is as important as
being with my daughter during this first year.”
For his part, Steve was not prepared to take on
the pressures of being the sole breadwinner. The harder they worked
to convince each other they were right, the more they both dug in
their heels. Dana accused Steve of being a bad parent, and Steve
told Dana she was unrealistic.
In counseling, they learned a different approach.
They learned how to make it safe to express the entire range of
their feelings on the subject, without being criticized or having to
justify themselves.
In this climate of acceptance, they were able to see that they had
more common ground than they realized. They both wanted to be
financially stable AND good parents.
I see the same thing happen in my office all the
time. The more people feel criticized, the more they feel they have
differences in values.
When they can communicate safely and respectfully, they discover
they have more common ground than they realized. Not only that, it’s
easier to find solutions for the differences they do have.
So, what does the compatibility myth mean for your
relationship?
First, don’t count on compatibility to get you
through. If you are experiencing that delicious sense of “having
everything in common,” enjoy it, but don’t settle in for an easy
ride.
As Dana and Steve learned, life will throw you curves and you will
have to negotiate differences you can’t envision now.
Secondly, you have more control over your marriage
than you think. A great marriage isn’t something that just happens,
like the weather. It is something you create, day by day.
So, what about all those happy couples in my
office that met online? Aren’t they proof that “compatibility tests’
work? They might be proof that compatibility attracts, but that’s
all.
Still, I am optimistic about the future of their marriages. Not
because they’re compatible, but because they’re wise. They’re
starting now to learn the communication skills that will keep them
together and happy many years from now.
About the Author
Claire Hatch, LICSW, is a premarital counselor who
works with clients in her Seattle area office and by phone around
the world. She gives presentations on relationships and conflict
solutions. To learn about her Honeymoon Toolkit™ premarital
counseling package or The Bridal Sanity Workbook e-book, visit
www.clairehatch.com.
Claire can be reached at 425 823-2273 or
claire@clairehatch.com. |
