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Communication
Ten Danger Signals to Watch for in Your Marriage
By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.
Healthy marriages require time, attention, energy, and vigilance.
It’s not realistic to think that you can have a super marriage
without effort on your part.
It pays to be observant, to ask questions when you don’t
understand something, and to notice changes in behavior, tone of
voice, and attitude.
Communication experts have found that only seven percent of our
communication is verbal, while the other ninety-three percent
depends on body language and tone of voice. Thus, it only makes good
sense to pay attention to much more than just the actual words a
spouse says.
There are ten danger signals that can help you to head off
trouble in your marriage before problems become more serious. Pay
attention when:
1. Your spouse acts upset but says “Nothing’s wrong” when you
ask, yet you’re sure there’s more to it.
Trust your intuition about this. Females in particular are prone to
say “Nothing” when asked “What’s wrong?” This often indicates that
there is something they need to say, but they don’t feel comfortable
saying it. Work on creating a safe environment for the sharing of
mutual concerns.
2. You ask your spouse about something and get a
listless, barely audible.
“Okay, that’s fine,” but the tone doesn’t sound sincere. This
response is similar to number one. What’s usually obvious from the
tone of voice and other non-verbal communication is that most
assuredly something is wrong.
Everything is not fine. And if that “something” doesn’t come out
into the open where it can be resolved, it will pop up later and
cause difficulties.
3. Your spouse is unusually anxious or agitated when you
walk in unexpectedly while he or she is on the computer.
It may just be a coincidence, but it could also be that your partner
is involved in doing something that he or she doesn’t want you to
see.
To know if it’s nothing or if something is brewing will take
observation over a period of time. Becoming involved with someone
online isn’t harmless, as some spouses will claim. It robs a
marriage of commitment and focused energy, plus it can lead to an
affair in real time.
4. You observe that your spouse is being secretive about cell
phone calls or text messages.
Sometimes spouses will find a partner hiding in the closet or locked
in the bathroom talking on the cell phone. This is certainly
something to pay attention to, but don’t jump to conclusions. Just
observe for awhile.
Sometime there’s a rational explanation such as a spouse who is
making secret calls to set up a surprise birthday party for the
partner. But if that’s not the case, the secret calls could be a
signal that your marriage is in danger.
5. Your spouse has a significant change in moods,
enjoyment of life, socialization patterns, or grooming/appearance.
A spouse can become depressed and sometimes the partner doesn’t put
the clues together to realize what’s happening. The spouse who is
feeling depressed may experience changes in sleep patterns, eating,
appearance, and hygiene.
There may also be uncharacteristic isolation from friends and
family, as well as crying spells or loss of interest in things that
used to bring pleasure. If this happens, it’s time to consult with
your spouse’s physician.
6. You realize that your spouse is developing a pattern
of trying to avoid going to bed at the same time you do and sleeping
in the same bed with you.
Numerous wives have shared in counseling that they deliberately stay
up later than their husbands to avoid sex. Or they say that a child
won’t go to sleep unless they lie down with them.
Often, then, the parent ends up going to sleep in the child’s room,
giving the excuse that they didn’t want to wake the partner or that
they fell asleep without meaning to. The warning sign comes when
this turns into a nightly pattern, not an occasional occurrence.
7. You realize that you don’t know who your spouse
really is any more.
This is certainly a wake-up call that it’s time to make your
marriage a top priority. You’ll want to spend extra time together
talking and sharing from the heart.
One common lament marriage counselors hear is, “He (or she) doesn’t
really know me. I’m just a paycheck to her (or just someone who
keeps the house clean and takes care of the kids). Take the time to
find out what your spouse is really thinking and feeling.
8. Your relationship feels stale and dull.
If this stage continues, both you and your spouse could be more
susceptible to the lure of an affair. Deliberately schedule plans to
do new things and go new places, and of course, look at how you
could spice up your sex life with your partner.
Do you need to trade off babysitting time with a friend so you can
leave the kids and take a weekend trip with your spouse? Or let the
friend keep the kids while you and your partner stay home alone?
9. You find yourself co-existing in the same house with
your spouse but never really connecting.
When this happens, it’s time to schedule a time each day to sit,
talk, share feelings, hold hands, hug, and reconnect. You can’t
afford to lose your feeling of closeness and bonding with your
partner.
Cut back on extra activities and immediately make your marriage your
priority. Without emotional intimacy, your marriage will lose its
momentum and passion.
10. You realize your sense of fun and joy has been
replaced by resignation and complacency.
It’s time to shake things up. Have you gotten in a rut? Turn things
upside down and put some variety in your marriage. Maybe it’s time
for those dance lessons your wife has been begging you to take with
her.
Or maybe it’s time to go on that camping trip your husband has been
talking about for months. Whatever you do, don’t just sit there—plan
something fun!
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of the book Keep Your
Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you
anymore!”
This is available at
http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for
the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas
and support for improving your marriage.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What
to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is
available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also
sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to
get ideas and support for improving your marriage.
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