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Communication
Marriage Advice: Eight Steps to Marital Harmony
By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.
The formula for marital harmony and success is not
a mysterious secret. It’s actually very straightforward.
The behind the scenes part is the constant work
that’s required to keep the channels of love and communication clear
from obstruction. Diligent spouses consistently spend time and
energy addressing issues as they come up so that anger and hurt
feelings don’t accumulate.
Spouses who want satisfying marriages also look
for ways to keep their love strong, such as remembering to show
affection and appreciation frequently. They know that the more they
feel connected and bonded, the more motivated they will be to
resolve problems and hang in there when things are difficult.
The following eight steps will guide you in
looking at what you can do to increase your chances for creating a
happy, harmonious marriage:
1. Work on yourself and your own issues that you
brought with you into the marriage.
Many responses that you have to your spouse’s
actions are triggered by past events going back to your childhood.
If one of your emotional wounds is feeling disrespected, then when
your partner inadvertently does something that triggers those
feelings, you’ll experience an intense reaction.
Individual counseling can help you to be more self-aware of what’s
behind your intense reactions and what you can do so that you don’t
over-react to issues in your marriage.
2. Avoid blaming your partner for problems in
the marriage
Blame only causes the other person to become
defensive and angry, and it decreases the probability that the two
of you can find a win-win solution to your problems.
When you focus on blaming your spouse for what’s happening in the
marriage, you are planting seeds of resentment that can hurt the
relationship. A marriage is composed of two people, and each
contributes to the quality of the relationship and shares
responsibility for the marriage..
3. Be empathetic and put yourself in your
partner’s place when issues come up
Really try to understand where your partner is
coming from when you disagree or when your partner does something
that you can’t make sense of. Ask your spouse to talk about his or
her feelings. Listen respectfully and ask your spouse to clarify
points that you don’t understand.
Develop a curiosity for learning more about your spouse’s feelings
and take special care to create an emotionally safe environment for
the discussions with your spouse.
4. Look for ways to make your partner’s life
easier and to show your love
Many of the irritants and stressors in modern day
life are the little things---the extra time it takes to pick up the
cleaning on the way home from work or to put the clean dishes in the
dishwasher away. When you see some errand or task that you can do to
save your partner time, offer to do it.
Look for opportunities to give your spouse a few
minutes to relax or have downtime. Watch for things you can do to
pamper your partner when you can. It’s often the little things that
can make a big difference in marital happiness and satisfaction.
5. Express appreciation often and say form the
habit of saying thank you
As months and years go by, many spouses take each
other for granted and neglect to express appreciation or say thank
you to each other. Numerous spouses complain that their partners
only focus on what they do wrong and never compliment them.
It’s sad to think that the one person who means
the most to you might have to wonder whether or not you appreciate
them. Let your spouse know how much he or she means to you on a
frequent basis. Give compliments and praise freely, and express
thanks for all that your partner does to enrich your life and
marriage.
6. Apologize quickly and sincerely, taking
responsibility for your part in whatever happens in the marriage
The truth is that sometimes it’s hard to say I’m
sorry. That’s when it’s time to remember the question, Would you
rather be right or would you rather be happy?
Accept that things don’t always make sense in a
relationship and that confusion and misunderstandings can happen
easily. It’s a mark of maturity when you can say, I’m so sorry for
my part in what has happened between us.
7. Have interests, hobbies and activities in
your life that you enjoy so you’re not thrown off center so easily
if you have a tiff or quarrel with your spouse
It’s important to have interests and activities of
your own that are satisfying to you that can help to keep you
balanced and anchored if other areas of your life are upsetting.
That way, you can more easily regain a sense of perspective and be
able to withstand the on-going stress.
For example, if you and your spouse are
encountering some rocks along the relationship path, you could go on
a long bike ride, go fishing with a friend, visit a museum, or read
an interesting book.
Those activities and interests can add pleasure to your life to help
balance out the temporary problems in your marriage. You’re always
ahead of the game when you know some ways to lift your spirits.
8. Look for fun activities and bonding
experiences to share with your mate
Be on the lookout for activities that could be fun
for you and your spouse to do together. Search the local newspaper
for plays, concerts, new movies, museum exhibits, neighborhood fairs
and festivals, and new restaurants that are advertised. Laughter and
having fun is bonding and can help to create those Kodak moments
that are so delightful.
Also look for activities that represent causes you
and your spouse believe in, such as spending a Saturday helping a
local charity with a garage sale or volunteering together at a local
soup kitchen.
These experiences can serve to remind you of what you have in common
with your spouse and of how good it feels to be working in unison
with a shared purpose.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your
Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you
anymore!" This is available at
http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for
the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas
and support for improving your marriage.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What
to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is
available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also
sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to
get ideas and support for improving your marriage.
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