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Communication
Building Up Your Marriage with Healthy Communication
By Douglas Cowan, Psy.D.
Would you like to have a stronger, healthier, more enjoyable
marriage? I am sure that you would. And yet we live in a culture
where about half of all marriages will shatter and end in a divorce,
leaving behind the wreckage of broken adults and broken children.
If we are to build healthy marriages, we much do
so "on purpose." We cannot just hope that it will happen by
accident. "Hope," say the generals, "is not a good strategy."
Planning, work, and the investment of time, are much better
strategies for any important endeavor of life. The first
characteristic of a healthy marriage for us to consider is the way
that we talk to our spouse, and the way that we talk about our
spouse..
Healthy marriages are characterized by supportive,
encouraging, and honest communication. We want to build each other
up in our marriages, never tear our spouse down (especially under
the guise of being "honest"). Two thousand years ago St. Paul wrote
this verse that is worthy of every refrigerator door in America,
"Don't let any unwholesome talk come out of your
mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according
to what they need, so that you can benefit those who listen."
(Paul's letter to the Ephesians, Chapter 4).
There are three important parts to Paul's verse.
First, that if we don't have something good to say, don't say
anything at all. I think my mother told me that as well.
Second, that we should consider our listener's needs. My wife has a
different set of needs than does my daughter, or my sons. We should
consider how best to encourage and support that particular person.
Finally, the purpose of our talking in the first place should be to
benefit the listener.
When I first began to seriously apply Paul's
principle, and I began to really look at what I was saying, and why
I was saying it, my vocabulary and my time talking were cut by about
one-third. I had become sarcastic, but funny.
But my funny sarcasm was always at the expense of another. When I
determined to build others up and benefit them with my speech, I
talked a lot less. But I became a much better person, both inside
and out.
Check your motives. If you just want to make
yourself look good, you will tend to be sarcastic, and you will tend
to "tease" other people by degrading them in front of others. The
consequences of this will be that your friends will see your
"teasing" as shameful, and your spouse and your children will grow
distant from you. It may cost you your marriage.
If, on the other hand, your motives are to build
up and encourage your spouse and children, then speak words of
support, love, and praise to them. Your friends will view you as a
loving person, and your spouse and children will always want to be
near you. They will love to hear you talk, as your words will be
"like honey" to them.
So choose well how you will use your words. You
have the power to build up, or to tear down, just by the choices
that you make.
Douglas Cowan, Psy.D., is a family therapist who
has been working with ADHD children and their families since 1986.
He is the clinical director of the ADHD Information Library's family
of seven web sites, including http://www.newideas.net,
helping over 350,000 parents and teachers learn more about ADHD each
year. Dr. Cowan also serves on the Medical Advisory Board of VAXA
International of Tampa, FL., is President of the Board of Directors
for KAXL 88.3 FM in central California, and is President of
NewIdeas.net Incorporated. |
