|
Communication
The High Price Of Keeping Quiet
By Claire Hatch, LICSW
Karen and Jim came to me for counseling because
Karen had mentioned the word "divorce." "I don't understand how we
got to this point," said Jim. "We were always the golden couple.
Everyone envied our relationship. Our friends came to us with their
problems." "I think that's part of your problem," I said. "You
almost had it too easy.
You had a kind of connection that not everyone
has. In the first few years, things just flowed. "But it's a lot
harder with two toddlers in the house. Life doesn't just flow when
you've got little children.
You're both tired. Karen feels like she has two
jobs and that Jim just doesn't understand. Jim misses the couple
time and on top of it, he feels like he's the only one who does."
_______________
You Are Normal
_______________
Karen and Jim's experience is completely normal. In fact, up to 67%
of new parents experience sharp declines in the satisfaction they
get from their marriage.
Somewhere between 50% to 80% of new mothers
experience some amount of depression. For 10% of them, it reaches a
clinically significant level. (John Gottman, Ph.D.; Alyson Shapiro,
Ph.C.; and Joni Parthemer, M.Ed.; 2004) Now
they've got the same stresses and strains everyone else does. But
they didn't like being like everyone else.
So they didn't talk about it. And the things they
didn't talk about started mounting up. When that happens, people
drift apart. They don't feel close and loving.
______________
Parallel Lives
_______________
Eventually they start
leading parallel lives. When a couple comes into my office, it's
easy to see when they're on this path. They're not rude. They're not
abusive. They're very polite and reasonable. But there's no juice.
As I explained this, tears welled up in Karen's
eyes. "That makes perfect sense," she said. "But now I'm afraid
we've gotten past the point of no return." Two weeks later, Karen
and Jim came back in. I knew right away something was different.
They had juice! I was caught off guard, if you want to know the
truth.
_____________
It Worked!
_____________
I was ready to roll up my sleeves and really go to
work on this relationship. And now it looked like we were done with
counseling already. What happened? What happened was that honest
talk had worked its magic even faster than I could have imagined.
Karen said, "Once we started talking, our problems
weren't as big as we thought. But when we weren't talking, they
seemed insurmountable." I'm not trying to tell you it's always this
easy. Just that it does work.
The next time you notice some 'relationship
drift,' ask yourself: Is there something we really should be talking
about? It might take some courage to get started.
You might wish you
were doing anything else. But in the end, you'll find it's worth it.
The price of keeping quiet is too high. Just ask Karen and Jim.
__________________
Claire Hatch, LICSW is a marriage counselor who
specializes in turning troubled relationships around. In addition to
offering marriage counseling in Seattle, she gives workshops such as
"Stop Arguments Before They Start" and "How to Build to a Rock Solid
Marriage." www.clairehatch.com.
Claire can be reached at 425 823-2273 or
mail to:claire@clairehatch.com.
.
|
