|
Family
"Consistency"
By Dr. Noel Swanson
If there is one word that is consistently heard about parenting, it
is the need for consistency: consistency in what you say and do, and
consistency between parents.
Indeed, if you fail I this, you give ample opportunity to your
children to manipulate you and play one parent off another.
But how on earth do you achieve that? And what if the other parent
has no interest in improving his/her parenting style?
Maybe these pointers will help:
____________
Have A Plan
____________
First off, the key to both staying calm and maintaining consistency
is to have a plan. Decide IN ADVANCE how you plan to deal with
particular situations.
Having done that, when you find yourself in that situation you will
be able to calmly do what you had pre-planned.
Without that, you will find yourself put on the spot and, not having
a plan, you will simply react with the first idea that comes to mind
(which often involves a lot of yelling and threatening!) And next
time you will probably
react differently.
___________________
Choose Your Battles
___________________
Decide also which battles are worth fighting - and chill out about
the others. The rule here is that if you have a rule you MUST
enforce it - every time without fail. If you are not prepared to do
that, then clearly the rule is not that important, in which case you
should drop it.
For example - putting their feet on the sofa. Allowed, or not
allowed? It is your choice - but whichever way you decide, stick
with it. Don't tell them to get their feet off one day, and then
allow it the next.
If you think through all the conflicts that give you the greatest
stress, you will probably find that many of them are in these grey
areas. You can't keep sitting on the fence. Once you decide which
way you way to jump, you will find that much of that stress goes
away.
______________
A United Front
______________
But what if you have a plan, but your partner keeps undermining it?
No easy answers, of course, since this goes to the core of your
relationship as a couple. Are you able to discuss the children
calmly and rationally, or are they pawns in some kind of power
struggle between you?
You don't even have to agree on everything - as long as you agree to
disagree. But even when you disagree, you DO have to back each other
up in front of the children. If your partner has said NO you must
say NO too; and then discuss it between you privately. If you say
NO, you would hope that (s)he would also back you up.
Otherwise the kids will simply go from one parent to the next
looking for the answer they want.
So, once again, the key to consistency between parents is the same
as being consistent yourself - plan ahead. Spend time discussing
your rules and expectations so that you can come up with a coherent
plan. One way to do this is to read a parenting book together and
then discuss it.
But if you simply cannot agree on even fundamental ways of handling
situations, what then?
You can only be true to yourself. The same for your partner.
This may result in some very different parenting styles - one being
permissive the other being authoritarian. The children are not
stupid. They will quickly work this out, and will know what they can
get away with and with whom.
The wider the gap between you, the more problems this will cause in
daily life. Often this results in one parent struggling with the
child's behavior, while the other seems to have no problems!
In that case, the most logical thing to do is for
the parent who is struggling to see what he or she can learn from
the other's style (and, yes, usually it will be that they are more
consistent!)
Ultimately it can get so bad that one parent completely destroys any
authority or credibility that the other parent might have. If that
is happening to you, it is time for some serious thinking (and
decisive action) about what is happening in your relationship and
what you are going to do about it.
If you don't then your children will learn to
disrespect all types of authority, and you will gradually loose all
respect for yourself too.
Remember, if you always do what you have always done, you will
always get what you have always got... if you want something to
change, YOU will have to do something about
it.
======
Dr Noel Swanson believes strongly that any parent can easily become
a better parent, and that being a better parent gives your children
the very best start to life they can get. Whatever your situation in
life, why not check out his free newsletter (called the "Ultimate
Parent") here:
http://www.marriageadvice.com/recommends/childguide |
