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Family
You Can Laugh At Discipline Worries If You Follow This
Simple Plan
By Beth Young, Senior Editor of MarriageAdvice.com
I've been waiting for this day for 16 months. I heard about this
brilliant parenting consequence at a PTA seminar and have been
waiting for the right time to use it...the time is now!
After my eleven-year-old son left for school this morning, I began
removing his bedroom door from its hinges. I can't wait to again
discuss the matter of last night's door slamming with a calm,
cheshire cat smile on my face.
As we discuss that doors are for closing and providing privacy and
they are not exclamation points at the end of a testosterone tirade.
I like to call this parenting approach the "Cheshire Cat Method of
Parenting." It provides the perfect visual for what your face will
look like when you apply this parenting technique.
Picture the cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. I would describe
the look he gives Alice as one of amusement, challenge and mystery.
You feel like he knows something you don't know when you look at the
smile/smirk on his face. As you look in those conniving eyes you are
convinced that there is a mystery a foot and he's quite pleased with
himself.
As a parent of 5 wonderful, terrible, clever, determined and
cherished children, I've learned that when they choose to not follow
what their father and I have outlined as our "reasonable
expectations" it's easy to be angry with their apparent defiance.
However, I'm slowly discovering the fact that there is no need to
allow myself to be angry when these times occur, they've made a
choice and it's my job to teach them that all choices have a
consequence. I'm learning to meet out consequences with creativity,
humor and a cheshire cat smile on my face.
So start practicing putting that look on your face as you learn and
apply these "4 Simple Parenting Smirk Tips."
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Smirk Tip #1
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It's easy to punish a child for their disobedience or defiance. The
challenge of parenting is to provide them with natural consequences
to their behavior. Punishment is punitive and consequences are
educational.
When your child makes a poor choice that results in a need for a
natural or creative consequence, put on your cheshire cat smile and
start considering the consequences. Sometimes, you only need to
allow the natural consequence to occur.
Look for the natural consequences to their inappropriate behavior.
You may not need to add any additional consequences. If they forgot
to do their homework, then they get a lower grade or miss recess to
complete the assignment at school.
So just put on your cheshire cat smile and choose your battles. If
they have experienced a natural consequence to their behavior, then
smile that smile and encourage, model and teach them to be more
organized the next time.
A major role of wise parents is to help their children learn life
lessons before they become adults and make decisions that could
negatively impact their life for the long term.
If they steal a candy bar at the grocery store, then a natural
consequence would be to return the bar and apologize. You could even
take it a step further with a creative consequence and have them use
their allowance to pay for the bar and not get to keep the candy.
If they steal at age 21, a natural consequence would be jail and
there is no longer the opportunity to apply a creative, educational,
consequence.
Which do you think would be better; to have our children learn the
importance of honesty at age 4 or age 21? Identifying natural and
creative consequences allows for this learning process.
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Smirk Tip #2
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Defuse the situation with humor and creative consequences that "fit
the crime."
Removing my sons' bedroom door for a week after it's slammed is a
creative consequence. Grounding him from X-box for a week is a
punishment.
Which applies more to the 'crime', and which will allow me to talk
calmly and discuss why it is a problem to slam doors in our home?
Here is another example of creative consequences. My fourteen old
son threw a pillow at his sibling for the millionth time about a
month ago. He had been previously counseled and punished several
times regarding this unacceptable behavior.
This time my husband put on his cheshire cat smile and calmly told
him that because he threw the pillow, the furniture was now in fear
of it's life and if he sat on the furniture it might suck him in and
eat him! (See, parenting can be fun)
Consequently, he couldn't sit or use any of the furniture in the den
for 24 hours. Then the furniture would have time to calm down and it
would be safe for him to use the furniture again. After all, we were
only concerned for his safety.
Not using the furniture for 24 hours was a creative consequence. The
imaginative story that we feared for his safety, was fun and allowed
us to put on our cheshire cat smile. It's been a month, no more
flying pillows at our home!
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Smirk Tip #3
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Don't buy into the power struggle...or in other words, don't allow
yourself to loose control of the situation.
If you can talk calmly and think clearly and creatively, then you
are in control. If your child draws you into a battle of wills or
wits then you will loose your temper and they win control of the
situation.
When I explain what is required, such as finishing the dishes, and I
am met with a whining response of dissatisfaction, I put on my
cheshire cat smile and calmly explain, "I don't speak 'Whinese'.
When you can talk to me like a normal person, we'll discuss your
concerns. In the mean time, do the dishes."
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Smirk Tip #4
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When children are debating with you or not following your
instructions, don't start yelling. Instead, put on your cheshire cat
smile and lower your voice rather than raise your voice. I've heard
this advice from several parenting coaches and counselors. Guess
what, it works!
If you are prone to yelling, then this smirk tip will really throw
your kids for a loop. If a situation arises that you would normally
begin to yell, instead put on your cheshire cat smile and lower your
voice.
You will see their looks of bewilderment and wonder, and find that
when your children are at a loss for words, they do what they're
told. Isn't creative parenting grand?
There will be times where you may not be able to determine a good
creative consequence, or the natural consequence isn't strong/severe
enough. Don't loose heart, there are times when you have to just
pull out the more punitive punishments where they loose a privilege.
It helps keep them on their toes too!
A few months ago we just couldn't come up with an appropriate
consequence, so we fell back on the loss of x-box for a few days. My
14-year-old son was a bit distraught and I told him if he could come
up with a consequence that better fit the crime, I would consider
revising the consequence.
You know you are in parent heaven when your children are suggesting
appropriate consequences, which are good! With a slight tweak, we
changed the consequence to the one he suggested and he was educated
instead of punished. Of course, we changed the consequence with the
infamous cheshire cat smile on our face.
As you practice the cheshire cat method of parenting, you will
discover how much fun your parenting experience can be. Plus, your
children will learn life's lessons more effectively and efficiently.
Happy smirking!
Beth Young is the Senior Editor of the leading marriage advice web
site, www.MarriageAdvice.com.
For more articles related to strengthening your marriage and family, go to
http://www.marriageadvice.com.
MarriageAdvise.Com is a web site dedicated to a community of
husbands and wives who are working to create happy marriages that
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