|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
By Beth Young When we are thrown into the world of parenting, we all bring different skills, temperaments and experiences with us. We don't have an owners manual to help us figure out nursing, mixed up sleep patterns, teething, tantrums, boundaries and a whole myriad of challenges that are faced each day. However, we do have natural instincts that we need to look to as we are striving to guide our children to become responsible, happy and contributing adults. We can find resources in a variety of parenting books; classes; and the sound (and often not so sound) advice of friends and family. Yet when it comes down to the final decision of how we will guide them, it's important that we carefully consider our options and strive to do what is best for our children. Because women are nurtures, it's easy for us to fall into a pattern of hovering over our children to protect them from physical and emotional injury. However, as they get older, it's important that we don't hover, like a helicopter, but instead provide boundaries and teaching moments so that they can learn to make decisions that they will learn from. By providing reasonable and age appropriate boundaries, we are better able to clearly mark the path they need to travel down and become a bridge between their inexperience and immediate gratification tendencies to having skills that allow them to weigh and consider the choices they make. With those paths come consequences. It's CRITICAL that our children experience the natural consequences of both their good and poor decisions. Here are a few insights to consider the next time you feel the helicopter blades beginning to rotate. ___________________________________________ Insight #1 - Your Are Not The Coast Guard ___________________________________________ I have a friend who is a helicopter pilot for the Coast Guard. On one occasion we were talking about how rewarding, yet often dangerous his job is each day. (Side note: If you saw the movie "The Guardian" with Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher, he advised that it's pretty close to "real life" on what they face each day.) He shared an interesting insight. He said the majority of their rescues are due to someone doing something really stupid, that they should have known better than to do. The same is true of decisions our children may make that result in negative consequences. They usually know that was a bad choice, and it's our job to provide them with learning opportunities early on so that they'll not only learn the correct path, but choose that path. For example, if Little Johnny is a bit forgetful. It's okay to bring him his forgotten lunch box once or twice. But if it's a daily, weekly or even a monthly event, then we are rescuing him from the natural consequences of his behavior. We may think, "why punish him for being forgetful?" It's important to remember that natural consequences aren't punishment, they are a learning opportunity. At our elementary school if a child doesn't have a lunch, they are given a carton of milk and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Although that may not be their favorite lunch, they won't go hungry. I can guarantee that they will be more responsible about getting their lunch in their back pack the next day. My kids know that they get 1 free rescue a semester, so they better choose well. They've learned to save that rescue for something important like a forgotten term paper, verses a forgotten library book or lunch. _________________________________ Insight #2 - Mark The Path Well It's important to look for and take advantage of teaching opportunities. These opportunities may come in several ways so it's critical that we are watching. First of all we need to make an effort to catch our kids doing something right. When they make a good choice it's important to identify it and sincerely praise them for that choice. As we talk about their good choice, we should help them verbalize the things they thought about and why they chose the way they did. This not only is positive reinforcement, it helps them see the logical thought process they took to follow a positive path. There are also teaching opportunities that come when our child makes a poor choice. The key in this situation is not to berate, humiliate, punish or even say "I told you so." Hopefully, the consequence from their poor decision is enough and no punishment is necessary. That's a decision you'll need to carefully make on a case by case basis. Keep in mind our child is more teachable if we discuss with them the decision in a very matter of fact way and talk about the process they went through. Help them identify when they started down the wrong path and discuss different options in the future. Then ask an important question, "was it worth it?" Sometimes our kids may decide that they are willing to take the natural consequences of their actions. That doesn't mean it's time to impose punishment. However, it is time to consider what end result we want from this learning opportunity. For example, they chose not to study for a test and got a "D". Yet because they have all "A's" so far, it only brought their grade to a "B" and that's okay with them. Unless they are planning on going to an Ivy League school and need to have a perfect GPA during their High School career, it's their choice and let them live with that choice. (Don't allow your child's grade to be a measure of who you are as a parent) Remember, this is just a good opportunity to remind them that one "D" is a minor problem with their grades, but if it becomes a habit, then there will be long term consequences that they need to consider. However the learning opportunity may come, be sure to look for and discuss them with your child. Then they will be more confident as they make future decisions that become tougher and tougher. _______________________________________________ Insight #3 - Remember Each Child Is Different _______________________________________________ I have five children, two of which are identical twin girls, yet not one of them has similar personalities, tendencies or behaviors. I've learn (and am still learning) that even when we do our best to provide consistent boundaries, we need to approach the consequences very individually. For example, I've more involved in the weekly homework efforts of my 3 dyslexic kids than my other 2 kids. Because dyslexic kids tend to be disorganized and forgetful, they may have different consequences when homework is late than my other children. So we need to carefully consider the way we parent each of our children. It's not an easy job, but the pay days are amazing when they do make the best choices and successfully navigate around the many pot holes of life. _________________________________ Insight #4 - It's Their Choice As a final thought I encourage you to not judge yourself too harshly because you may be hovering too much or have been a pretty good bridge and they still make "bad choices." Remember, everyone chooses their own path and even with the best bridging opportunities, they still may make a few bad choices. When our children make a choice that we may view as a bad choice, remember that it may have nothing to do with our parenting skills. It may have everything to do with who they are and they're just trying to find their own way. So don't judge yourself too harshly, just
look at the decision, see what can be learned, and let it go. If we do all
we can to learn and adapt from the process, then we need to remember that
it is ultimately their choice.
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
