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Family
Parent, Kids and Time Alone
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
"What are some of the ways in which you explain to kids that mom and
dad need time alone, without feeling guilty about it?" A journalist,
writing an article on having time alone and couple time when you
have kids, asked me this question.
Parents will feel guilty only when they believe
that they are doing something wrong by spending time alone and
couple time without their children.
This is a false belief.
The truth is that children grow up far healthier
emotionally when their parents are happy and fulfilled, even if it
means that their parents spend less time with them.
When parents understand that they are being good
parents by talking loving care of themselves and their relationship,
their children will understand this.
One way of helping children understand this is to
introduce the concept of "time alone" very early in a child's life.
By the time a child is three, he or she can easily understand the
concept of time alone.
If, each time you spend time alone with your
child, you say, "This is our time alone," your child will begin to
understand the concept. When you have time to yourself, you can say,
"This is my time alone with myself."
When you spend time with your partner, you can
say, "This is Mom and Dad's time alone together." Parents can tell
their children, as soon as they are capable of understanding the
words, "We need time alone with you, with each other, and with
ourselves. All of us need to respect this about each other."
Our three children fully understood the concept of
"time alone" because we spent time alone with each them. They came
to understand and respect at a very young age the need for time
alone.
If you put yourself aside and don't spend time
with yourself and with your partner, you are giving your children
unhealthy role modeling.
You are teaching them that others are always
responsible for meeting their needs. You are teaching them to feel
entitled to your time and attention rather than helping them learn
to respect others' time.
You are teaching them that it is okay to demand
that others put themselves aside for them, which may create
narcissistic behavior.
Healthy parenting means finding a balance between
being with your children, being with your partner, and being with
yourself.
For your children to grow up taking responsibility
for their own needs and feelings, they need to see you taking
responsibility for your needs and feelings. Constantly sacrificing
yourself for your children does not role model personal
responsibility.
Children need to experience you and your spouse
enjoying your time with each other, as well as with yourselves. They
need to see you pursuing your work, hobbies, creativity and passions
in order to understand that they also need to find their passions.
If you are always there to meet your children's
needs, how can they discover who they are and what brings them joy?
Always being there to meet your children's needs for entertainment
creates a dependency on others rather than finding these resources
within themselves.
Many people grow up not knowing how to be alone
with themselves. Because they were either always in front of a TV or
being entertained by their parents, they never discovered how to
"play by themselves."
Of course it is very important to have enough time
alone with your children. But it is equally important to have enough
time alone with your spouse and with yourself.
When you understand this, you will stop feeling
guilty about taking your time alone. When you no longer feel guilty,
your children will learn to stop guilting you and respect your
needs.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author
and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To
Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the
co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn
Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding
course: http://www.innerbonding.com
or email her at
mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. |
