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Family
Navigating in the New World: Parents and Teenagers Growing
Together
By Douglas Cowan, Psy.D.
One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture is the one
that says, "Adolescence is a time of inevitable conflict." You will
hear doctors say it, and teachers, and therapists, and pastors, and
even parents. It seems that nearly everyone has bought into this
myth.
The thinking goes like this:
1. Teenage "rebellion" is normal;
2. Because teenage "rebellion" is normal it is
to be accepted, perhaps even encouraged by those who work
regularly with teenagers;
3. Because teenage "rebellion" is normal,
teenagers who do not rebel are "not normal," and will certainly
have serious problems later in life;
4. Therefore, to be healthy, teenagers must
rebel;
The Conclusion to this logic is that "Rebellion
today equals healthy living tomorrow." Therefore, Rebellion is
simply an investment in the future!
However, the Truth is that conflict and rebellion
during the adolescent years is not inevitable. In fact, the
adolescent years can be a time of great closeness between parents
and teens. The fact that teenage rebellion is "common" does not make
it "normal."
By "common" we mean a behavior that is observed often; "Normal"
means that a certain behavior is the way that God intended for the
behavior to be from the beginning. Never confuse "normal" with
"common."
Teenage rebellion is simply rebellion against
authority, against their parents.
Rebellion is not simply a difference of opinion
between parents and teens. Please do not interpret a difference of
opinion as rebellion. And rebellion is not simply a teenager's
attempt to "grow up" and become more "independent."
Instead, rebellion is the attempt to overthrow the
legitimate family government that is in place. Rebellion in a family
is similar in this respect to rebellion in a nation's government.
Rebellion by teenagers against their parents is
the attempt to overthrow the parents as the authority in the home;
the attempt by the teenager to make himself "King" in his own life;
the rejection by the teenager of his parent's values and beliefs.
In every layer of human society God has instituted
a system of "government" or a "chain of command structure." These
systems are seen from national governments right down to marriages,
families, and the church.
Every social organization, or social system, has an organization
that provides structure, teaches values to new members, provides for
the enforcement of values among its members, and provides
leadership.
The family is important to our society, as it
provides the next generation with core values and beliefs, and with
a model of appropriate behavior.
In America, the leading causes of teenage
rebellion are:
5. Moral relativism in the culture;
4. Lack of parental supervision, or lack of
parental influence;
3. Outside influences from the culture
(especially the glorification of sex) delivered to teenagers
through the entertainment media, such as popular music, movies,
and TV;
2. Peer dependence, peer influence, and peer
pressure;
1. Boyfriends/girlfriends.
Work with your teen, spend time with your teen,
and talk with your teen. There is no substitute for your time and
attention invested in his or her life.
Douglas Cowan, Psy.D., is a family therapist who
has been working with ADHD children and their families since 1986.
He is the clinical director of the ADHD Information Library's family
of seven web sites, including http://www.newideas.net,
helping over 350,000 parents and teachers learn more about ADHD each
year. Dr. Cowan also serves on the Medical Advisory Board of VAXA
International of Tampa, FL., is President of the Board of Directors
for KAXL 88.3 FM in central California, and is President of
NewIdeas.net Incorporated. |
