|
Family
Care Taking Parents, Entitled Kids
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Demanding children – children who have entitlement issues – seem to
be common these days. Like the obnoxious child, Veruca Salt in Willy
Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, who was constantly demanding that
her father get her whatever she wanted (“I want an Umpa Lumpa! Get
it for me NOW!”).
We hear many children today uttering the fairly constant refrain, “I want
….! Give it to me! Get it for me, now!” They seem to be masters at
instilling guilt in their parents through phrases such as “It’s not
fair!” or “You don’t love me!” or “What about what I want?”, or by
getting angry, shutting down or crying piteously.
Why are there so many demanding children?
Olivia grew up with a self-centered demanding
critical mother who never let her have her feelings. Olivia learned
early to take responsibility for her mother’s feelings by being a
good girl. Now, as a parent herself, and not wanting to do to her
children what her mother did to her, she has gone the other way.
Rather than being demanding and self-centered, she is compliant and
self-sacrificing. Rather than being an authoritarian parent like her
mother was, she is a permissive parent, giving in to her children’s
demands rather than setting appropriate limits.
Olivia tends to give much to much credence to her
children’s feelings. All they need to do is be upset about something
and she stops what she is doing to attend to them. They have learned
to use their feelings of hurt, irritation and anger as a means of
control.
Olivia thinks she is being loving when she makes it “safe” for her
children to express their feelings. The problem is she is not
discerning the difference between having feelings and using feelings
as a means of control. Because she gives her children’s feelings so
much importance, her children have learned to use their feelings
against her.
Olivia’s children need to learn to care about
Olivia instead of just trying to get her to give herself up to meet
their demands. The only way they will learn to care about her is if
she learns to care about herself.
Demanding children are difficult to be around.
They have a hard time keeping friends and as adults they create
chaotic relationships. So let’s take a hard look at what we need to
do to support caring in children rather than self-centeredness.
Authoritarian parenting often creates compliant/care taking
children, while permissive parenting seems to create narcissistic
children. Neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is loving
parenting – parenting that supports the highest good of both
children and parents. Let’s break the cycle of creating caretakers
and takers. As parents, we need to learn to:
- Take loving care of ourselves rather than
constantly give ourselves up to our children’s needs and feelings.
- Set appropriate limits rather than always
complying with our children’s demands.
- Care about our own feelings as much as we care
about our children’s feelings.
- Not allow our feelings and needs to be
invisible to our family.
- Accept rejection from our children rather than
give in to them to avoid being rejected.
- Learn to discern the difference between
children’s feelings that need to be attended to and feelings that
are being used to manipulate.
- Expect to be appreciated and respected rather
than accept being taken for granted.
It is not a matter of swinging back to
authoritarian parenting. It is a matter of expecting to be treated
with respect and caring. Your children will learn to treat you the
way you treat yourself.
If you allow your feelings and needs to be invisible because you are
not attending to them or making them important to you, your children
will learn to see you and others as invisible.
Children who see themselves as important and others as invisible
because this is what their parents are role-modeling may become
narcissistic, self-centered, demanding children.
It is not easy to move out of care taking and into
caring about yourself and others. Care taking others was likely a
form of survival when you were growing up. Yet to truly be a loving
parent, you need to have the courage to behave in a way that fosters
caring and consideration in your children, and this will never
happen if you consistently put yourself aside for others.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?"
She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process.
Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding
course: http://www.innerbonding.com
or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
. Phone sessions available. |
