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Family
Non-Compliance in Your Children, Some Tips for Parents
By Douglas Cowan, Psy.D.
Non-compliance is the family therapist's big word for your child not
obeying you when you have asked him or her to do something. It is
helpful because it is descriptive, and because it may also motivate
us as parents to move our kids from being non-compliant to being
compliant.
Here's how we are going to define the term
"non-compliance" in children:
1. The child fails to begin doing what he was
asked within a reasonable amount of time (15 seconds);
2. The child fails to keep doing what he was
asked until the job is finished;
3. The child fails to follow previously taught
rules of conduct in a specific situation, such as at church, at
school, at the store, or with friends;
When your child is non-compliant you need to take
action. You simply cannot ignore the behavior hoping that it will go
away. Deal with the situation yourself, or consider getting some
professional help in tough situations. Non-compliance should be
treated because:
1. It is the most frequent complaint of parents
seeking help in clinics;
2. It underlies most negative interactions
between family members and the child;
3. Because disruptive-aggressive behaviors
usually do not occur randomly. Instead they occur in "bursts" and
are usually associated with having asked the child to do
something.
Over the years I have developed some
presuppositions with respect to children and their behavior. I'd
like to pass this on to you, as parents, with the hope that it will
help you in dealing with your non-compliant child. They are:
1. Kids are weird. Children do not think like
adults do, they do not process information as adults do. The do
not see the world around them as adults do.
2. Kids are fools. This is not original with me.
King Solomon, reflecting on his growing family (remember he had
1,000 wives and many children) said this a long time ago.
"Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child," is the way he
put it. Simply said, "Kids will do foolish things, they are not
yet wise." It is our job as parents to teach them wisdom.
3. We often EXPECT more out of our kid's
behavior than we expect from ourselves. We want others to excuse
faults in us, yet we will expect perfection in our children. This
needs to change.
4. Children do things on purpose. Sometimes your
child will misbehave on purpose. He is testing you. He is
observing you. Draw the line now, or you will be sorry later.
5. Child behavior is not random. See number 4.
Here are two phrases for parents to remember in
understanding your children:
A child's behavior occurs because of who the child
is, what the child knows about you, and what the child wants from
you.
The child will do things either to get POSITIVE
REINFORCEMENT, or to ESCAPE or AVOID SOMETHING that he does not want
to do or have.
So please spend enough time with your child to let
him know that you are on his side, and that you want the best for
him. There are certain things that our children need to know in
order to be successful in life, and one of those things is knowing
how to listen and obey parents.
Stay the course and be consistent with teaching your child wisdom
and compliance. To learn more about helping children, visit
http://www.addinSchool.com.
Douglas Cowan, Psy.D., is a family therapist who
has been working with ADHD children and their families since 1986.
He is the clinical director of the ADHD Information Library's family
of seven web sites, including http://www.newideas.net,
helping over 350,000 parents and teachers learn more about ADHD each
year. Dr. Cowan also serves on the Medical Advisory Board of VAXA
International of Tampa, FL., is President of the Board of Directors
for KAXL 88.3 FM in central California, and is President of
NewIdeas.net Incorporated. |
