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Family
Managing Your Stepfamily
By Garrett Coan, Psychotherapist
If you are a member of a stepfamily, you know how difficult it can
be to integrate all of the new members and adjust to the new
boundaries and rules. The following ideas may help you make a
successful transition during this challenging process.
Have patience
Establishing new families takes time. Just because you love your new
partner, it is unrealistic to think that you will automatically love
his or her children.
It is equally unrealistic to expect that your new partner’s children
will instantly love you. It can be difficult to accept that even
though you wish to have a relationship with your stepchildren, they
may not be ready for a relationship with you.
Expect to adjust
With proper help and guidance, children can recover from family
disruption. All children experience a difficult adjustment period
following a divorce or remarriage.
It takes time
It takes time, patience, and perhaps some professional
assistance, but most children are able to regain their emotional
bearings. It is critical that the adults manage their own emotional
recovery in order to help the children adjust without trauma.
If you are part of a part-time stepfamily, you may
need a longer adjustment period. All relationships take time to grow
and develop. When stepchildren see you less often, you have less
time to get to know each other. This is why it may take a part-time
stepfamily longer to move through the adjustment process.
Don’t expect your new family to be like your
first family
If you expect that your stepfamily will be just like the family of
your first marriage, you are setting yourself up for frustration.
Your new family will have its own unique identity and will evolve in
its own special way.
Expect confusion
Forming a stepfamily is a confusing time for everyone. Think about
how confusing it is for a child to become part of two new families.
All of the family members—parents and children—must learn to
understand the new structure and learn to navigate the boundaries.
Allow time for grieving
Stepfamilies begin with an experience of loss, and everyone needs to
grieve. The adults’ losses are not the same as those of the
children, and both must be respected. Adults grieve the following
losses:
- The loss of a partner
- The loss of a marriage relationship
- Lost dreams of the way they thought it would be
- They must adjust to changes that result from
the divorce or death (moving to a new house, starting a new job,
adjusting to changes in lifestyle, etc.)
- Children grieve, too. Their losses are usually
different from those of their parents:
- They may now be living with one parent instead
of two.
- They may have less time with one or both
parents during times of dating and remarriage.
- There may be less stability in their homes.
- They must adjust to changes that result from
the divorce or death. (They may have a new place to live and go to
a new school; they may have lost friends in this process.)
- They have lost the fantasy of how they wanted
their family to be.
Children have an especially difficult time
resolving their grief when their parents are hostile with one
another, when one or both of their parents remarry, and if they have
trouble accepting their new stepparents.
Acknowledge the absent parent
When one of the original parents is absent, the children need a
special kind of understanding. An absent parent (who has died or who
lives elsewhere and doesn’t visit) is part of a child’s past. The
child must be allowed to have memories of this parent.
The children who have access to both of their parents are those who
adjust the best to divorce. They should be allowed to regularly
speak with, visit, and write to their non-custodial parent.
Help the kids fit in
Children of stepfamilies belong to two households. It is
understandable that they have questions about where they fit in.
They are usually able to adjust to having two sets of rules as long
as they are not asked to choose which is better.
Be clear about the rules
Ideally, both sets of parents should discuss the family rules and
what will happen if rules are broken. When the adults agree on the
rules, they should explain them to the children.
Most successful stepfamilies have learned that the rules should be
decided together in the beginning, and that the biological parent
should do the explaining and disciplining. The stepparent may have
more involvement after the relationships with the stepchildren have
been established.
All of this works best when the parents can agree to be flexible and
cooperative with one another. This may be difficult immediately
following a divorce or remarriage, but it is important to work
toward this objective.
Educate yourselves and seek emotional support
Read books about managing stepfamilies, attend classes, and
participate in stepfamily support groups. Seek the help of an
experienced mental health professional to help you through the rough
spots. Marriage and Family Therapists have specific skills and
training for working with families and stepfamilies.
Give the kids their own space
Make physical space available for the children who don’t live with
you. Children need a sense of belonging. Creating a room or section
of a room for visiting children will help them feel like part of
your family.
Expect them to think it’s temporary
Accept the fact that your children may expect you and their other
parent to reconcile. They may fantasize that your new relationship
with your partner is only temporary. This is especially true in the
beginning.
Find a time to sit down with the children and explain that when two
people are unable to live together anymore, it doesn’t mean they
love their children any less. This is especially important for the
parent who has moved away, since the children will inevitably feel a
sense of rejection.
Expect resentment
No matter how good a parent you are, you will never be the
biological parent of your stepchildren. It is natural for a
stepchild to feel some resentment for you, especially when you are
setting limits for their behavior.
Show the children love
Sometimes children need love the most at a time when it is the most
difficult to give it to them. While bad behavior should never be
rewarded, always praise children when they are behaving well.
Garrett Coan is a professional therapist, coach
and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations
are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex
County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. He offers
online and telephone coaching and counseling services for those who
live at a distance. He can be accessed through
http://www.creativecounselors.com
or 201-303-4303. |
