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Fidelity
Rebuild the Trust You Have Destroyed
By Dr. Frank Gunzburg
Ultimately, all of the work we have done adds up
to putting yourself in a position to regain your partner’s trust. At
times this might seem impossible. Remember Margaret’s fear that she
would never regain David’s trust?
That fear ended up being unfounded. But Margaret
had to become more transparent in order to get to that point. That’s
what you need to do.
Looking at the definition of the word
“transparent” in Webster’s Dictionary is quite revealing. There are
two definitions that fit together for my meaning of this word: “fine
or sheer enough to be seen through” and “free from pretense or
deceit.”
You should develop this kind of mindset with your
partner. Become free from deceit by learning to open up and keep
fewer secrets from them. Practice being sheer enough to be seen
through so that your partner no longer has to question whether you
have ulterior motives.
Some people I have treated fear that this means
that they will have to give up their identity, lose their autonomy,
or start asking permission for every little thing they do.
This isn’t the case. You will always and should
always keep your identity as a separate adult person. But when you
are involved in a committed relationship, your identity does change
in certain ways.
Here’s what that means…
In many different cultural traditions marriage
ceremonies are marked by language or symbolic events that suggest
that the two people being joined together are no longer separate
people, but one common, collected identity.
Any committed relationship should have this
sensibility behind it. If you have decided to commit to your
partner, what you are essentially telling that person is, “You and I
are no longer two separate people; we are one unit.” That is a very
powerful statement. By engaging in this you expand your being across
two different people. You open yourself up.
That is one of the reasons that intimate
relationships can be so scary. But in time you learn that this
special unity is a valuable and beautiful aspect of being in an
intimate relationship.
Opening up to this sense of transparency is the
major way you will rebuild the trust you destroyed. Like all the
other work in this book, it isn’t particularly easy, but it is the
best way to get your partner to trust you again.
In order to do this, look at yourself from the
perspective of your partner. If you were in their shoes, what
actions would make you suspicious? In your workbook, create a
comprehensive list of the ways that you could potentially make your
partner suspicious.
Doing this in advance of actually making them
suspicious will allow you to predict what might upset them and nip
it in the bud before it blossoms into a problem.
Once you do this, consider ways that you could act
in these circumstances that might help allay their concerns. Again,
if you have the workbook, take it out and do the work that is
associated with this step.
Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in
Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their
marriage for over 30 years.
For more information about restoring the trust
after an affair, please visit:
http://www.marriageadvice.com/recommends/survive
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