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Fidelity
Twelve Steps to Creating an Affair-Proof Marriage
By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.
There’s no way to absolutely guarantee that your marriage won’t
be blindsided by an affair on your part or your spouse’s, but there
are definite steps you can take to greatly reduce the probability of
that happening.
It’s important to know what you can do to strengthen your marital
connection and keep your marriage vibrant and healthy.
A rewarding, satisfying marriage that meets the needs of both
partners is your best protection against the destructive intrusion
of an affair.
So what can you do to “affair proof” your marriage as much as
possible? The following twelve steps will guide you in building a
stronger marriage partnership and help you and your spouse to
withstand the lusty lure of temptation:
1. Make your relationship with your spouse your top priority
in the hierarchy involving family, friends, co-workers, neighbors,
and others
Make a real commitment of time, energy, and effort to your
marriage. You can end up pulled in so many different directions and
over-extended that your most valuable and precious relationship can
end up at the bottom of the list unless you make it a top priority.
2. Nurture the emotional intimacy in your marriage
Make time to talk each day, not just about the events that have
happened, but also about your feelings. Share on an emotional
level—your fears, your frustrations, your joys, your
disappointments, and your challenges.
Let your partner know how much you value being able to talk to him
or her about anything and to connect on a deep level.
3. Show appreciation on a regular basis
Be generous with compliments and thank you’s. Tell your spouse at
least once a week how much you appreciate him or her and list the
qualities that you love, admire, and respect. Don’t worry that
you’ve said these things before—no one gets tired of hearing their
good traits praised!
4. Spend time together doing fun things and just “hanging out”
Bonding can deepen when you and your spouse have unstructured
time to just relax and hang out together. If every minute of your
time together is tightly scheduled and rushed, you’ll miss out on
opportunities to be spontaneous.
Look for fun things to do—a picnic in the park, a hike, trying a new
restaurant, going out dancing, or going swimming.
5. Keep your sex life active
Sometimes being sick or fatigued gets in the way of sexual
desire, as does family stress like caring for an ill or aging
parent. Certainly the energy and time required to raise children can
leave parents drained and “on empty.” In spite of these challenges,
it’s essential to make time for sex.
The sobering reality is that most spouses are more vulnerable to
flirtations and sexual advances from others when their sex life is
unhappy at home.
6. Discuss and resolve issues as they come up
Don’t just bury them or neglect trying to resolve them. Learn how
to disagree without being disagreeable and causing long-term damage
to your relationship. Above all—communicate, communicate,
communicate. Keep the communication door wide open at all times.
7. Talk about the problem of infidelity and know that it can
strike any marriage
Bring the subject out into the open and express your feelings and
deepest fears. Brainstorm with your spouse about how you can keep
your marriage strong and what the two of you think would be helpful
in preventing an affair from happening.
Commit to telling your spouse if you feel vulnerable or if things
start getting out of control in any situation.
8. Share goals for the present and future that inspire you
When you and your spouse share common goals that you’re
passionate about, you will feel closer to each other and more
connected. It helps you to feel like a real team.
The feeling of partnership is important in deepening commitment to
each other. Whatever your mutual dream is, the passion you bring to
pursuing it can draw you closer together.
9. Make wise decisions about contact with the opposite sex at
work and other settings
You may encounter special situations and temptations on business
trips or at business parties or in your work setting. Talk frankly
with your spouse and agree on what you both feel comfortable with.
If your spouse is on a business trip and the group goes out dancing,
will you be upset if your spouse participates? Plan ahead and head
off potential problems.
10. Know the danger signals
Many affairs have started with individuals sharing intimate
personal information with each other on a regular basis while not
confiding in their respective spouses. Intimacy can mushroom quickly
when secrecy is involved and a feeling of connection develops.
Other danger signals are having increased sexual excitement about
seeing someone in particular, being in settings with lots of alcohol
and drinking when your spouse isn’t present, and being more
vulnerable than usual due to feelings of loneliness, rejection, or
anger at your spouse.
11. Celebrate your love, anniversaries, birthdays, and other
special occasions
Value your marriage and take advantage of every opportunity to
celebrate, such as your wedding anniversary, the date that you met,
your spouse’s birthday, and any other special days that the two of
you share. This helps to keep the romance alive and also to keep
your connection strong.
Celebrate your love, your time together, your plans for the future,
and the priceless present moment.
12. Support each other’s goals
Make a commitment to help your spouse be all that he or she is
capable of being. Your marriage is only strengthened when each of
you is happy and fulfilled with your life.
It’s to your advantage to help your spouse reach goals that are
important to him or her, even if they aren’t your particular goals.
Be positive and encouraging of your spouse’s desires to live up to
his or her potential.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What
to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is
available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also
sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to
get ideas and support for improving your marriage.
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