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Fidelity
How to Forgive Another for Past Hurts
By Garrett Coan, MSW, LCSW
No one gets through life without being hurt by
another person. We all have experienced the pain of a thoughtless
remark, gossip, or lie. If you have experienced an unhappy marriage,
the devastation of infidelity, or suffered physical or emotional
abuse, you know what it feels like to be hurt.
It is tempting to hold on to these feelings and build a wall of
safety around yourself, but the best way to heal is to forgive the
person who hurt you.
What Is Forgiveness?
When you forgive another person, you no longer
allow their behavior to cause you anger, pain, bitterness, or
resentment. When you choose not to forgive, you make the choice to
hold on to your feelings of resentment, anger, and pain.
Why Should I Forgive?
Think of forgiveness as a gift that you give to
yourself. It is not something you do for the person who hurt you. It
is a gift to yourself because it enables you to stop feeling painful
feelings and pushing others away. Forgiveness frees you from anger
and allows you to restore your ability to have close and satisfying
relationships with others.
Anger is a poisonous emotion that comes from being
hurt. When you are consumed with anger and bitterness, it hurts you
at least as much as it hurts the person who has harmed you. It is as
if you are filled with poison. If these feelings are not resolved,
they can begin to eat you up inside.
You have two choices: to stay connected to the person who hurt you
by keeping these poisonous feelings alive, or to let the feelings go
and forgive the person who harmed you. When you withhold
forgiveness, think about who is actually being hurt. It is more than
likely that the person who is filled with anger and anxiety is you,
not the other person.
What Forgiveness Is Not
Forgiving another does not mean you will never
again feel the pain or remember the thing that hurt you. The hurtful
experience will be in your memory forever. By forgiving, you are not
pretending the hurtful behavior never happened. It did happen. The
important thing is to learn from it while letting go of the painful
feelings.
Forgiveness is not about right or wrong. It
doesn’t mean that the person’s behavior was okay. You are not
excusing their behavior or giving permission for the behavior to be
repeated or continued.
When you forgive another, it does not mean you
wish to continue your relationship with them. This is a separate
decision. You can forgive a person and live your life apart from
them.
Forgiveness can only take place because we have
the ability to make choices. This ability is a gift that we can use
it whenever we wish. We have the choice to forgive or not to
forgive. No other person can force us to do either.
Steps to Forgiveness
The experience of forgiveness is a process. Since
each situation is unique, it is impossible to predict how long it
will take or which steps will be the most important to carry out.
Here are some ideas for beginning the process:
Acknowledge your feelings of anger and hurt.
Sometimes it seems like it might be easier to deny the feelings or
push them back down, because it hurts to feel them. In the long run,
denying these feelings only causes you more pain and actually
prolongs the hurt.
Express your feelings constructively.
No matter how badly you were treated or how angry you are, it is
never acceptable to harm anyone else. You may need to find a neutral
third party to talk to until you feel calmer toward the person who
hurt you.
Depending on the situation, the person who hurt
you may still be a danger to you, physically or emotionally. It is
important to protect yourself from being harmed again.
At some point, you will see that you are harmed by
holding on to feelings of hurt and anger. These feelings can take up
space in your psyche and intrude on your sense of well-being. You
may feel physically ill. This is when you will be ready to make the
decision to stop hurting.
Be willing to see the situation from the other
person’s point of view. This will help you develop compassion, which
will eventually replace the feelings of anger. One helpful technique
is to write a letter to yourself as if you were the other person.
Use his or her words to explain the hurtful things that were done to
you. This takes you out of the victim role and helps you restore
your power.
It is not necessary to know why the hurtful
behavior happened.
Even if you do learn the reason, you probably won’t feel any better.
Chances are, the person who harmed you isn’t sure why they did it
either. Think about the part you played in the situation. Don’t
blame yourself; rather, forgive yourself for the role you played.
Recall a time when you caused harm to another
person, and that person forgave you. Remember what the guilt felt
like. Then, remember what you felt when the other person forgave
you. You probably felt grateful and relieved. Remember how this felt
and consider giving this same gift to the person who hurt you.
Make a list of the actions you need to forgive.
Describe the specific actions that caused you harm. State what
happened, as objectively as possible.
Make a list of the positive aspects of your
relationship with the person who hurt you.
There must have been something positive, or you wouldn’t have
participated in it. This helps you regain some perspective and not
paint the picture in completely negative terms.
Write a letter to the person who harmed you.
This letter is for your healing; you do not need to mail it.
Describe the positive aspects of the relationship and express your
forgiveness for the hurtful behaviors. Express all of your feelings,
both positive and negative.
If you have decided to end your relationship
with the person you have forgiven, have a ceremony to symbolize it.
You may wish to burn the letter and the list, or you may visualize
some kind of ending.
Sometimes the person you need to forgive is
you.
You can begin to forgive yourself by realizing that when you made
the mistake, you did not set out deliberately to hurt another
person. If you had known how to make better choices, you would have.
You did the best you could at the time.
Make the forgiveness tangible.
You may choose to send the letter to the person you are forgiving or
tell a trusted friend what you have done. Once you have let go of
the pain and released yourself form past hurts, you will most likely
feel a greater sense of freedom and well-being.
Now you are free to move on with your life without bitterness and
resentment. You no longer need to look back on your past with anger.
Garrett Coan is a professional therapist, coach
and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations
are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex
County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. He offers
online and telephone counseling services for those who live at a
distance. He can be accessed through
http://www.creativecounselors.com
or 201-303-4303.
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