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Fidelity
Eight Heart-Wrenching Emotions You Will Face
By Dr. Frank Gunzburg
Almost everyone faces these eight emotions when
they find out about an affair. If you think you aren’t feeling one
of them, I encourage you to look very closely at yourself and make
sure it isn’t there.
Once you have fully examined the emotion, if you
find you aren’t feeling it at all, that’s fine. Simply move on to
the next emotion and look at that one.
However, if you get to the bottom of the list and
you think you are only feeling one or two of the eight emotions
discussed, you could be in a bit of denial. I know this hurts, but
you’ll move on more successfully after you face your own turmoil and
pain.
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The Emotion Of Betrayal
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This is the big one. I doubt that you would have
picked up this book if you weren’t feeling this. Betrayal is the
sense that someone has intentionally taken advantage of your trust.
Betrayal is at the very root of infidelity. It is
what causes many of the other emotional problems that come up when
you find out your partner has cheated on you.
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The Emotion Of Guilt
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Many people feel guilty when they find out about
an affair. On some level they think that the affair is their fault.
They might think, “If only I had been a better partner, this would
never have happened.”
No matter what kind of partner you were, or are,
you did not choose to have an affair and take advantage of the trust
that was established between the two of you. You did not choose for
the other person to hurt you.
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The Emotion Of Disappointment
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When you have spent years building a life with
another person and they come home and tell you that they have
cheated on you, you are bound to feel disappointed.
You will likely feel disappointed in them. But you
might also feel disappointed in yourself, in men or women (depending
on the cheater’s gender), in humankind as a whole, or even in life
itself.
These reactions are normal. But be careful not to
let your feelings slide into the despair of hopelessness. If you do
that, you’re going to hit the roadblock we talked about above.
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The Emotion Of Anger
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Anger is the fraternal twin of betrayal. They go
hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm. When you feel betrayed, you almost
immediately feel angry. If you are feeling a sense of betrayal and
you aren’t feeling any anger, look to see if you aren’t hiding
something from yourself.
Think about and answer these questions: What makes
you so angry about the affair? What are some of the angry scenarios
you dream about? What are the particular concepts about the affair
that anger you? Are your angry feelings related to other experiences
in your personal history? How do you feel your anger in your body?
How do you express your anger?
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The Emotion Of Vengefulness
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This emotion is usually associated with anger.
Many people want to take revenge on the cheater, on the person the
cheater was involved with, or both. They envision hurting the
cheater as much as they have been hurt.
Instead of actually enacting your vengeful
fantasies, try writing about them. What kinds of vengeful fantasies
do you have? What would you hope for out of the vengeance?
What does this reveal to you about the way you
feel in this situation? How do you experience the vengeful feeling
in your body? Were there other times or places when you had these
feelings? How do these earlier experiences (if there were any)
impact your current feelings?
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The Emotion Of Fear
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When you find out your partner has had an affair,
there are so many things to fear. You might be afraid that the life
you once knew is over. You might be afraid that you will never be
able to repair your relationship. You might be afraid that they will
do it again.
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The Emotion Of Frustration
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There is no question that having someone cheat on
you can cause frustration. You likely will be frustrated with the
cheater, frustrated with the person they cheated with, frustrated
with yourself, and frustrated with the whole world. After all,
something has been done to you and to your relationship that was and
is out of your purview.
This feeling of frustration is often compounded by
the fact that you now have to cope with so many painful thoughts and
feelings. Sometimes it might feel like you are heaping frustration
upon frustration.
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The Emotion Of Paranoid Feelings
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I use the term “paranoid feelings” here to mean
feelings that include suspiciousness. I am not using “paranoid” in
the technical or diagnostic sense.
Paranoid here is meant to indicate a deep fear
that someone or something is out to get you or is engaging in some
activity that will cause you pain behind your back. It is quite easy
to see why the injured person in an affair situation might feel
paranoid.
Paranoid feelings can be destructive to your peace
of mind if taken too far. But a bit of suspicion or, perhaps,
skepticism isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
You deserve to have the cheater prove to you that
they are not carrying on with the affair and will not get involved
in another one. Be suspicious enough to get that need met. If you
don’t, developing trust will be that much more difficult.
Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in
Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their
marriage for over 30 years.
For more information about restoring the trust
after an affair, please visit:http://www.marriageadvice.com/recommends/survive
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