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Fidelity
How to Cope With the Initial Trauma of an Affair
By Dr. Frank Gunzburg
When you learn that the person you built your life
around was unfaithful to you, the sense of betrayal can be almost
unbearable. In a single moment, you are ripped from a life you have
counted on and felt safe in.
You may feel as though the rug has been pulled out
from under you and now you are standing on nothing at all. Your
relationship was a foundation for your life; now that it is gone,
what can you possibly do?
In the midst of this, you look outside for reasons
this happened. You demand explanations for what has happened to the
life you worked so hard and took so long to build. You tend to focus
outward, hoping that something will happen to make the pain you feel
go away or, at least, subside for a little while.
More than anything, you probably just want it all
to go away. You want to go back to the life you knew, to the life
you thought was safe; to the stable life you thought you had with
your loved one.
If this is what you want, it is possible. In fact,
it is possible for you to actually build a better relationship than
you have ever had with the person with whom you share your life. But
this journey will take some time and effort.
The first step on this path to recovery is to stop
looking outside for emotional healing and start looking within.
It may seem contradictory at first, but you must
accept that the affair has happened and take a careful look at how
it is affecting your thoughts and feelings. Once you have done this,
you can start to help yourself heal from the emotional trauma you
are experiencing right now.
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Shockwave #1: “How could this happen?”
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On the one hand, the question reveals a kind of
disbelief on the part of the injured. Never in their wildest dreams
would they have believed something like this could happen to them.
Most people can’t.
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Shockwave #2: “How long has this been going on?
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People often ask this question because they feel
foolish and blind for missing the fact that their partners were
having affairs. Not only do people feel deceived, they often feel
betrayed or played like “suckers.”
You are being too hard on yourself if you are
criticizing yourself as a dope for being deceived. The fact that you
trusted your partner and didn’t “see it coming” isn’t a detriment to
your character.
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Shockwave #3: “How many people know about it?”
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You may find yourself wanting to know if other
people in your circle of friends and family know about the affair.
You may even feel betrayed if you find out they did know about the
affair and didn’t tell you about it. These feelings are all very
normal.
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Shockwave #4: “How could my partner do this to
me?”
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This is the ultimate question about betrayal. And
it isn’t an easy nut to crack. In the course of the work on which
you are embarking in this system, you will be offered an answer to
this question. It isn’t as distinct as you might hope.
For now, I encourage you to leave questions of
this nature out of your exploration about the affair and how it has
impacted your life as best you can. Turn the energy spent on this
kind of questioning inward, and start looking for ways you can heal
from the terrible damage done to you by the affair. Focusing inward
rather than outward will be much more rewarding.
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Shockwave #5: “How can I ever trust my partner
again?”
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This is a very reasonable question. When you count
on one person to provide a safe environment for you to love them and
that person betrays your trust, it might seem you will never be able
to trust them again.
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Shockwave #6: “Have there been other affairs or is
this it?”
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This is one of those questions for which you might
never get a satisfactory answer. The sad truth is that when a
cheater cheats once, they are more likely to do so again. This is
particularly true if they had a “good” experience with the first
infidelity. If that was the case, it can easily establish a strong
reinforcer for doing it again.
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Shockwave #7: “Am I overreacting?”
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The short answer to this question is “No, you
aren’t.” If you are having powerful negative feelings about the fact
that your partner cheated on you, this is perfectly normal.
When fidelity is violated, it might feel as though
the fidelity itself was solely responsible for the safety and
stability you felt in your relationship. If this trust is broken, it
can feel as if the whole world suddenly became an unsafe place. In
some ways, it has. Your world is less safe than you once knew.
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Shockwave #8: “Am I being a doormat?”
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You have to know that this is your life. No one
else is going to live the consequences of your decisions and
actions.
The love you feel is special and perhaps too rare
in this world. If you want to make your relationship work, you can –
but not by yourself – it definitely takes both of you working to
improve your relationship to make it successful. And it doesn’t
necessarily mean you are a doormat; you might just be the bigger
person.
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Shockwave #9: “Does this mean the relationship is
over?”
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Not if you don’t want it to be. If you are
invested in this relationship and want to make it work, you can. You
can make it better than you ever dreamed possible.
Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in
Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their
marriage for over 30 years.
For more information about restoring the trust
after an affair, please visit:
http://www.marriageadvice.com/recommends/survive
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