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Fidelity
Commitment: What Are We Committing and To Whom?
By Dr. Jackie Black, Relationship Coach
Do you make commitments? If so, to whom do you make commitments?
What do you make commitments about? What does making a commitment
mean to you?
Do you honor the commitments you make? Do you
expect others to honor their commitments? Absolutely? Mostly? Nearly
always?
I have recently been rudely awakened to the
unfortunate reality that commitments made by partners in committed
relationships may not mean what they used to. I am outraged and
alarmed to say the least!
Recently, I had the great pleasure of interviewing
Shirley Glass, Ph.D. on my radio show. Dr. Glass is considered one
of the world’s leading experts on infidelity and the author of the
groundbreaking new book, "NOT “Just Friends”: Protect Your
Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal."
Dr. Glass explains that there is a new crisis of
infidelity occurring in the workplace. “In the new infidelity”, she
says, “one doesn’t have to have sex to be unfaithful, and infidelity
is not between people who are intentionally seeking thrills, as
commonly believed.
Good people in good marriages-men and women who say they are happily
married-are unwittingly forming deep, passionate connections before
realizing that they have crossed the line from platonic friendship
into romantic love.”
The subject line of a recent e-mail newsletter
from Smartmarriages® read: "Online Dating Irresistible to Some
Married Folks." The newsletter reports a study of in-depth
online interviews with men and women who use Yahoo's "Married and
Flirting" or Microsoft's "Married But Flirting" Internet chat rooms
geared specifically for married people.
What is happening to honoring commitments and
agreements in committed relationships today? Perhaps in this new
world of high tech information, instant gratification and instant
messaging we have misplaced the art of creating and honoring
commitments and agreements.
What is commitment?
When we talk about love and commitment we are
really talking about attaching to or connecting with people and
things. We connect to ideals, institutions and beliefs; to our
families, pets, circle of friends, acquaintances and co-workers; to
our community and the planet; and, if we are really blessed, to one
very special love.
When we are able to connect we feel joyful and
content. Poor connections can make us feel angry, sad and truly
miserable. And the lack of meaningful connections or attachments in
our lives can make us feel despair and empty inside ourselves.
What does it mean to make a commitment?
When we make a commitment to another person we are
making the agreement to be present and available … physically,
mentally and emotionally.
We make agreements by exercising our personal
choice. We communicate directly to others about what we will do, how
we will behave and what they can reasonably expect from us, and we
are willing to be held accountable.
We honor the agreements we make by choosing the
behavior that is driven by our values. Someone once said, “Our
personal values are the set of principles we live by and continually
develop as we live our life. Principles are like lighthouses - we
can either use them to guide us or we can choose to go against them
and smash into pieces on the rocks!”
What is Accountability?
Being held accountable means we accept
responsibility for the results of our choices, decisions and
behaviors instead of blaming others or external factors. Individuals
who believe they are in charge of the quality and direction of their
lives, rather than victims of circumstance, are empowered to move
forward.
They focus on solutions, not problems, and they move forward towards
the goals and commitments of their shared vision and purpose, both
as individuals and as a couple.
Successful Commitments and Agreements
Couples who have clarified their own personal
values, and individual and couple visions and purpose have a
stronger foundation from which to commit to their agreements and
achieve more consistent and satisfying results.
Their overall effectiveness in making and honoring agreements is
greatly increased. Success is an almost certainty when both partners
keep their agreements and most certainly can be at risk if one
person doesn't keep his or her agreements.
Crafting Elegant Agreements
Life is an ongoing process of creating agreements
with others. An effective agreement means more than getting another
person to do what you want. It means buy-in and true commitment from
both people.
Most couples have hopes and dreams, and desires
and expectations. They establish goals and make commitments that are
developed from a joint visioning process; a process that expresses
an inclusive vision of desired outcomes; their road map to success!
Another way to look at this is that we join forces
with others by forming agreements. Agreements are expressed in
writing or verbally during very intentional conversations. Most of
us have never learned how to craft effective, explicit agreements.
It is a skill we were never taught, even though it is fundamental to
all relationships and a basic life skill.
While this is a method offered for committed
partners, any two or more people who wish to make agreements can
easily adapt it. So here goes!
Here is a straightforward 15-step method you can
use to craft elegant and effective agreements:
1. Create and clearly articulate your joint vision
with as much rich detail as possible. Be sure that both of you
participate with eagerness and passion;
2. Be sure that both of you are creating the
agreement with intention and with a belief that you are well served
making and honoring the agreement;
3. Make a list of each person’s strengths, gifts,
skills and talents that are available to be drawn on by each of you.
4. Identify, with as much detail as possible, all
the aspects of what it is you are coming to agreement about. A joint
plan works best when you are both working toward the same joint
vision;
5. Be certain that each of you understands and
acknowledges the actions (behaviors), attitudes, and
responsibilities that are associated with the agreement for yourself
and your partner;
6. Decide together if the actions and attitudes
are sufficient to result in the desired outcome(s). If no, identify
what additional actions and attitudes must be included and by whom;
7. All agreements must have specific time
deadlines for each part of the agreement to be completed or
finalized. These are “by whens”—by when will you do this, and by
when will you do that. In addition, the time period the agreement
will be in force must be specified.
8. Does the agreement as a whole and do all the
parts of the agreement forward the joint vision?
9. Clearly identify the evidence or positive
outcome(s) that you expect to result for each person from making and
honoring the agreement;
10. Does the agreement as a whole and do all the
parts of the agreement truly satisfy each person and result in each
person being whole? Being whole refers to being sure that neither
person experiences a loss or losses as a result of pledging their
time, attention and commitment to the agreement;
11. Bring all your concerns and fears to this
discussion. This can often minimize the disagreements that may occur
during the process of crafting the agreement. This discussion will
deepen your commitment to the agreement and to your partner or
reveal a problem that might already be brewing in the relationship.
12. No matter how optimistic and clear you both
are when you craft an agreement, one or both of you will likely come
back to the table and ask for the agreement to be renegotiated or
changed in some way at some time. This is not a personal failure or
a failure of the process! This is an expected, anticipated part of
crafting and honoring agreements!
It is critical to include a mechanism that will
take into consideration the many changes that normally and naturally
occur over time in a couple’s relationship.
Being realistic about this at the beginning enables the relationship
to evolve and prosper. It is imperative to provide each person with
a way to accommodate change — an exit strategy you can both follow
with dignity. Anyone who feels imprisoned in an agreement,
commitment or relationship will not be his or her best self or offer
all possible personal contributions to forward the joint vision.
13. It is inevitable for conflicts and
disagreements to arise, and perhaps, one of you will not honor the
agreement. Establish an attitude of good will and good intention and
a plan to repair hurt feelings and disappointments;
14. Both people must be responsible to ensure that
the agreement is honored;
15. Unless and until you are satisfied, do not
move into action. Do not agree. Be sure each person is satisfied,
ready to take action, and that outcome will be worth it and the
joint vision is becomes more a reality.
Now that you have a solid model for crafting
elegant agreements your work is to decide what you want to agree and
commit to and to whom. This work starts by becoming more and more
aware of who you are, what you want, what you value, and how to get
your needs met respectfully and responsibly.
Ask yourself:
1. Are you a committed couple who is
strengthening your bond and deepening your intimacy and trust
day-by-day and year-by-year?
2. Are you engaging in meaningful family and
work relationships and friendships, and asking for what you want,
saying your real yes and your real no and hearing others who may
be asking you for something?
3. Are you crafting agreements consciously and
with intention?
4. Do you expect others to honor their
agreements and commitments and do you intend to honor yours?
One of the best books I have ever read by an
extraordinary couple for extraordinary couples is Conscious Loving:
The Journey to Co-Commitment.
Drs. Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks wrote this timeless book and they talk
frankly about what it takes to create co-committed relationships
complete with exercises to guide couples who are courageous enough
to be on the sacred journey of committed “coupleship” together.
Whether you are a committed couple or an amazing
singleton, as they call it in the UK, let’s educate ourselves about
agreements, commitments, boundaries, conflict, and fidelity. Let’s
start risking being our deepest most magnificent selves! Join me and
let’s start today!
Only You can make it happen!
Copyright Dr. Jackie Black 1999-2005
If you like this article, please read more about
Dr. Jackie’s relationship dating advice and help for issues and
problems
This article may be re-published with appropriate
attribution to the author including name, web site, email address
and telephone number.
Dr. Jackie is an internationally recognized
relationship expert, educator and coach. Advice and coaching about
personal relationships is Dr. Jackie's passion. Her goal is to
inspire and support single men, single women and couples through the
challenges and pitfalls of dating, loving and building lasting,
committed relationships in today's fast-paced world. Dr. Jackie's
Relationship Coaching Programs and Groups, her Blog, downloadable
PodCasts and her Internet streaming radio show are jam-packed with
valuable dating tips and strategies.
http://www.DrJackieBlack.com
DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com |
