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Fidelity
Reaching Forgiveness
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
“How can I forgive my parents when they were so
abusive to me when I was growing up?”
“How can I forgive my spouse for cheating on me?”
“How can I forgive my best friend for abandoning
me?”
“How can I face and forgive unforgiving abusers
and manipulators?”
“How can I forgive myself when others do not
forgive me and throw my past in my face every chance they get?”
These are some of the questions about forgiveness
my clients have asked me over the 37 years that I have been a
counselor.
We have all been told that forgiveness is good for
the soul, and it is. Yet forgiveness cannot be forced. We cannot
will ourselves to forgive, because if we try to deny the anger,
blame and judgment that may still be there, it is likely to come out
at some point. So how do we reach forgiveness?
Forgiveness toward others is the natural outcome
of forgiving ourselves and of taking loving care of ourselves. When
we judge ourselves, we will have a tendency to project that judgment
onto others, no matter how much we tell ourselves that we have
forgiven them.
Let’s start with the first statement, “How can I
forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me when I was
growing up?” My experience is that as long as you continue to treat
yourself in the abusive ways your parents may have treated you, you
cannot reach forgiveness. It is your lack of self-care that
perpetuates the anger toward others.
As adults, we each have a wonderful opportunity to
learn to treat ourselves with the love, respect, caring and
understanding that we may have lacked as children. When we don’t do
this, the past becomes the present as we continue to abuse ourselves
in the ways we may have been abused, and then continue to blame
others for how we end up feeling as a result of our lack of
self-care.
“How can I forgive my spouse for cheating on me?”
You will not be able to forgive a spouse until you fully take
responsibility for your participation in the relationship issues
that may have contributed to the infidelity.
There are always ways you did not listen to yourself or honor
yourself that put you in the position of being betrayed. As you look
deeply within and discover how you might have betrayed yourself and
learn to forgive yourself, you may reach forgiveness for your
spouse, even if you end up leaving the relationship.
“How can I forgive my best friend for abandoning
me?” The world tends to mirror to us whatever is happening in our
own inner system. When we feel abandoned by someone, there is a good
possibility that we have abandoned ourselves – that we have failed
to attend to our own feelings and needs and have failed to be a
loving advocate for ourselves.
Once again, you will discover that if you learn how to take loving
care of yourself, you will find your anger toward others gradually
disappearing.
“How can I face and forgive unforgiving abusers
and manipulators?” Others’ behavior actually has little to do with
whether we choose to be judgmental or accepting and forgiving.
When we learn to be compassionate rather than judgmental toward the
wounded, manipulative side of ourselves, we will naturally be
compassionate toward others’ wounded, manipulative behavior. Once
again, forgiveness is the natural outgrowth of doing our inner work,
of moving out of self-judgment and into self-compassion.
“How can I forgive myself when others do not
forgive me and throw my past in my face every chance they get?” You
will stay stuck in anger and judgment, and in feeling like a victim,
as long as you make others responsible for whether or not you
forgive yourself. Others’ forgiveness has nothing to do with your
own decision to judge or forgive yourself.
When you learn to move out of judgment and into
compassion – first for yourself and then for others – you will find
yourself forgiving yourself and others. Forgiveness is the natural
outgrowth of compassion.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author
and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To
Be Loved By You?" and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the
co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn
Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding
course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at
margaret@innerbonding.com
Phone Sessions Available. |
