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Fidelity
The Reasons Cheaters Cheat
By Dr. Frank Gunzburg
Unfortunately, there is not one simple answer that
addresses why all people who get involved in affairs do so. People
are complex and engage in infidelity for different reasons.
When we talk about the “reasons” the affair
happened, it might seem as though the affair were inevitable or
somehow a justifiable course of action. I don’t want to give you
that impression.
As such, it might be better to think of these as
themes for the justification of the affair, rather than the “reason”
it happened. Here are a few themes that seem to come up again and
again:
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Theme 1
___________
Some people cheat because they aren’t getting
their needs met inside their relationships. They are under the
deluded notion that going outside their relationships is a
legitimate answer. It isn’t.
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Theme 2
___________
In some cases, people cheat because they have never
learned to honor boundaries. They know the boundaries are there, but
they have little hesitation about stepping over them.
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Theme 3
___________
Some people are thrill seekers who just can’t pass
up the opportunity to get a thrill. The very fact that these people
are doing something that is taboo compels them to engage in the
affair.
___________
Theme 4
___________
Similarly, some men think that they are not a real
man if they turn down a sexual invitation from someone attractive.
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Theme 5
___________
Some people have low self-esteem, and they get a
sense of self-worth through finding people who care about them.
___________
Theme 6
___________
In some cases, people have sexual fetishes that
their partners have problems with, so they go outside their
relationships in order to fulfill these sexual desires.
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Theme 7
___________
A very common theme is that people cheat because
their partners no longer make them feel special. These people go
outside their relationships thinking that another person might fill
this gap.
Whatever the underlying reasons, cheaters cheat
because they have the mistaken notion that going outside their
relationships will solve their problems or fulfill some aspects of
their characters.
Some people have a defective sense of commitment.
(I most commonly see this in men.) They might expect themselves to
be totally honest in other situations, but feel they don’t have to
be when it comes to women. Although they usually vehemently deny it
at first, these men have a denigrating view of women, putting them
in a second-class position.
I am assuming that the men reading this book are
much less likely to be in this group because you are devoting this
time and energy to repairing your relationship, which requires
equitability between you and your partner.
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You Don't Have To Know Why
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In the end, the reason why cheaters cheat is not
of paramount importance. You can ask why they did what they did
until you’re blue in the face, and each scenario could present a
different answer.
The typical reason it is so important to the
injured person to find out why the affair happened is based on the
mistaken notion that if you want to stop or change a behavior, you
have to know what triggered the behavior in the first place.
If you don’t know why it happened, the thinking
goes, you can’t stop it from happening again. Unfortunately, if you
try to find out why the affair happened, the best you will probably
get is some kind of justification for why it started, or perhaps a
list of factors that are built to make the infidelity seem like less
of a crime than it is.
More importantly, you don’t have to know why an
action happened to keep it from happening again.
In some cases, exploring what went into the
cheater’s choice to cheat can help protect them against the
possibility of cheating again, but this isn’t universally the case,
and it isn’t what is going to keep your partner from cheating in the
future.
That will take hard work and commitment. Neither
you nor your partner needs to investigate what lead to the affair to
recommit to being faithful to each other.
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You Both Must Want To Heal Your Relationship
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What is important is that both of you want to heal
your relationship and are ready to do the work necessary to achieve
that objective. The techniques this book is founded on will help you
restore your relationship regardless of why the cheating partner
decided to have an affair.
It is time to let this question go. Recognize that
there may be reasons that this happened, but that figuring out the
reasons doesn’t take you that much closer to rebuilding your
relationship together.
What will move you in that direction is figuring
out what you need in this relationship, how those needs have been
neglected, and how your needs interface with your partner’s needs.
Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in
Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their
marriage for over 30 years.
For more information about restoring the trust
after an affair, please visit
http://www.marriageadvice.com/recommends/survive
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