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Marriage
Counseling
Couples Counseling - When To Go What To Know
By Ronn Elmore
As a relationship therapist, I know all too well how hard it can be
for men and women to seek professional help when problems arise. But
in my experience, those who do get therapy find it's well worth the
effort.
Counseling can help couples overcome the obstacles that routinely
prevent us from resolving our differences. And finding the right
therapist could improve your relationship in ways you never
imagined. If you're considering counseling, think about the
following:
SEE THE BENEFITS
Here are a few reasons why reaching out for help is worth it:
Counseling keeps problems from escalating. You've been stewing for
days about something that ticked you off, yet he's barely noticed.
So when he makes an offhand comment that puts you over the edge, you
lash out.
Many couples replay these same scenes for years. Once these negative
behavior patterns become habits, they're nearly impossible to
reverse. Seeking professional help sooner rather than later means
fewer episodes of verbal sparring, noncommunication, indifference
and acting out.
It moves the drama out of your home. It gives you and your mate a
regularly scheduled time and place to work out your differences so
that you're not walking on eggshells every waking moment.
Each of you will be more willing to tolerate annoyances at home when
you know you've got an upcoming therapy session where both of you
have a chance to have your say.
It reveals your best side. Your stint on the counseling couch will
be intense at times. As you faithfully explore issues you've avoided
for so long, you demonstrate your willingness to invest in the
relationship, which can sustain you through any momentary bumps in
your marriage.
START THE PROCESS
The right adviser for you is the one who has both the expertise to
help, as well as the chemistry (personality, therapeutic style and
values) that feels like a good match for you and your mate.
Be prepared to shop around before making a final decision. The best
starting place is not the Yellow Pages, but people you know and
trust--a family physician, your minister, close friends who've had a
positive experience in marriage counseling.
In most cases, letting family members weigh in is a bad move. It can
invite them to take sides with you or your mate. Sadly, they often
get stuck in their biases long after your issues have been resolved
and your relationship has been reconciled.
Also check with your health-insurance carrier or your employee
assistance plan to see if your coverage provides for professional
counseling.
Professional organizations such as the Association of Black
Psychologists ([202] 722-0808), The National Association of Black
Social Workers ([202] 589-1850) and the American Association for
Marriage and Family Therapy ([703] 838-9808) can provide helpful
information.
Call the counselors on your referral list and be ready to give them
a concise three sentence description of your specific concerns.
Inquire about logistics like fees and schedules, as well as any
other questions you may have.
If you like what you hear, consider scheduling an initial session
where you, your mate and the therapist can determine whether you're
a good fit. Arrange preliminary sessions with your top two or three
candidates before making your final choice.
You might also consider signing up for one of the increasingly
popular couples therapy and marriage-education workshops offered by
such organizations as Imago Relationships International ([800]
729-1121; imagorelationships.org), PAIRS ([888] 724-7748; pairs.com)
and the National Marriage Encounter ([800] 828-3351; marriage
encounter.org).
These workshops aim to help couples sharpen their communication and
conflict-management skills and identify problem areas and ways to
heal them. The approach appeals to many couples because it is
focused, fast-paced and surprisingly affordable.
Workshops like these seldom limit their scope to problem-solving for
couples in crisis; they're also designed to provide helpful advice
that applies to any marriage.
A word of advice: Don't expect instant results; it takes time to see
progress. But the pride you'll feel, knowing that you've taken a
proactive role in maintaining your marriage, will be well worth it.
Without a doubt, being in therapy is sure to challenge you, but it
will also fortify you with incredible hope.
GET YOUR MAN TO GO
Will your guy buy into couples counseling? He will if you approach
it with finesse. Men gravitate toward places where they think
they'll be met with great approval, and avoid places where they
won't.
His head is probably telling him that therapy, with its focus on
talking and emotions, is a feminine endeavor stacked in your favor,
and he can expect to be called out for having somehow failed you.
Your best bet: Resist the use of all shoulds, oughts and have to's
(as in, "You should do this, because you ought to want our
relationship to work, and you have to change how you treat me.")
Instead, frame the idea as a chance for him to build something new
and impressive into your marriage. Be sure to cite concrete examples
of other occasions he has done this. For example, "I've seen you be
the kind of man who will do whatever it takes if it will benefit us.
You've proven it before when you worked all that overtime so that we
could get this house. I love that about you, and I hope you'll
choose to do it again with this."
A final thought: If the idea of having a male therapist makes a big
difference to him, now would not be the time to quibble.
Ronn Elmore, Psy.D., is a relationship expert, an ordained minister
and a bestselling author. His latest relationship book is An
Outrageous Commitment: The 48 Vows of an Indestructible Marriage (HarperResource).
COPYRIGHT 2004 Essence Communications, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group
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