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Marriage Counseling
Before You Begin Marriage Counseling, Ask This Question
By Nancy Wasson, Ph. D.
There’s an important question that you need to ask the marriage
counselor you and your spouse are considering using. The question
itself may surprise you, as well as the answer your potential
counselor gives.
It’s an often-overlooked question that hardly
anyone ever talks about. Therapists don’t include it in articles
they write about how to select a good counselor, so you’re unlikely
to read about it. I’ve never heard of the topic being discussed on
the popular daytime television shows that delve into so many varied
subjects.
But the answer to this important question could
save you time, money, and energy spent with the wrong therapist.
It’s a good question to use as a deciding factor if you narrow your
search for a marriage counselor down to two or three possibilities,
and all look fairly equal in education, training, and experience.
What is the question I consider so important that
it could be the deciding vote in selecting a therapist for marriage
counseling? Here it is. Ask the potential marriage counselor(s):
"Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?"
Then watch the therapist’s reaction and listen
carefully to what he or she says. Also pay attention to the
emotional tone in the response. Consider the following responses to
the suggested question. My remarks are in italics in the
parenthesis:
1. "No, I’ve never had to go to counseling."
(Never had to go? Do you mean that you’re above
having to go to counseling? That only people who aren’t as
emotionally stable as you are have to go? How will you even know
what it’s like to go to an unfamiliar office and tell a stranger the
most intimate details about your life?)
2. "Yes, I went once for several times when my
father died.'"
(That’s slightly better, but what about all that
self-growth work counselors are always advocating other people do?
Don’t you take your own advice?)
3. "No."
(That’s odd. Why the one-word answer? It’s a
logical question to ask. Why would I entrust you with my
vulnerability and something as important as my marriage if you’ve
never been to counseling yourself? Why haven’t you been? Don’t you
believe in what you’re offering?)
4. "I took part in some counseling when I took
my courses for my degree."
(You mean you role played with other students in
some of your counseling classes, that doesn’t count. You weren’t in
a real counseling situation and were probably focused on what your
classmates and professor thought of your role-playing. That’s
totally different from participating in therapy to look closely at
your own real issues.)
5. "Yes, I have."
I’ve had several years of intensive personal counseling, and I still
see a counselor when things come up that I need to process. I know
how much courage and commitment it takes to confront personal
issues, avoid blaming others, and take responsibility for the
quality of one’s life."
(Yes, this is the one! He (or she) has gone
through the counseling process himself. He won’t be just talking
about something he has never experienced, and he doesn’t sound
ashamed that he’s had counseling. Instead, he sounds proud of
himself for making that choice.
I like that he "practices what he preaches" about
counseling. He must believe that it helps in some way or he wouldn’t
have spent so much time and money getting counseling himself.)
Are you surprised to learn that many counselors
have never participated in counseling as clients and have never
faced their own individual or relationship issues?
That they could get their advanced degree and become licensed
without having participated in personal growth counseling? It is
shocking to think that could happen, but it does quite often.
Just think about it, would you want to go to a
therapist who recommends counseling to others but has never taken
her (or his) own advice? Who hasn’t dealt with her own personal past
and present issues that could impact the recommendations she makes
to you?
Who doesn’t really know how vulnerable you feel as a client and how
much courage it takes to make an appointment, sit in the waiting
room, and then talk openly to someone you’ve never seen before?
I can unequivocally say that you should steer
clear of counselors who haven’t done their own work in counseling,
either in individual counseling, relationship or marriage
counseling, or both. There’s a saying that you can’t take other
people any further than you’ve been yourself.
That’s certainly true when it comes to counseling.
The counselor needs to be very familiar with the terrain, not from
only textbook knowledge but from personal experience, also. He (or
she) also needs to be able to help you without getting your issues
all tangled up in his own unresolved issues, something personal
counseling helps a counselor to do more effectively.
So before you sign on with a marriage counselor,
ask the important question--"Have you ever participated in extensive
personal therapy yourself?" and be sure that the counselor you
select knows the advantages of personal counseling first-hand.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of the book
Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love
you anymore!" This is available at
http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com,
where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage
Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your
marriage. |
