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Relationship
The Biggest Mistakes Women Make In Relationships
By Helene Rothschild, MS, MA, MFT
Jan loved her husband and three children, and had a successful job
as a computer programmer. However, her family, her beautiful home,
and expensive car were not making her happy.
Jan felt guilty for
being miserable and complaining to her loyal husband. "After all,"
she told me at her first counseling session, "I have more than
others, and much more than my parents did. Why am I so depressed?"
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Close Your Eyes And See Clearly
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I have a favorite saying,
"Close your eyes and see clearly." So I said, "Jan, I believe that
your answers are inside of you. So close your eyes and relax so that
we can explore your issues." Then I guided Jan to visualize both her
mother and herself standing in front of her, and to tell me if she
noticed any similarities.
Jan replied, "Yes, we look a lot alike and we both
seem inhibited." Then I asked Jan, "What do you want to say to
either one or both of them?" Jan said, "Mom and Jan lighten up. Do
what you love doing. Be happy!" With those freeing thoughts, Jan
automatically took a deep breath of relief.
Then I continued, "Jan, do you see any differences
between your mother and yourself?" She commented, "Yes. My mother
stayed home with my sister and I, and like a dutiful wife took care
of her husband and the house. Whereas I have a profession and I earn
lots of money." "However, Jan," I continued, "is computer work what
you really want to do?" "Not really," said Jan. "In fact, I hate it.
It’s boring!"
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Feeling Trapped
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When I asked Jan why she was doing that kind of
work, she informed me that when she had married her husband, Bob,
she had agreed to bring in a certain amount of money too so that
they could have their high standard of living. Jan admitted that her
expensive home in her upper class neighborhood felt like a trap.
She felt boxed in with no way out. "Growing up in
a lower class neighborhood wasn’t any fun either. I had thought that
working hard and raising my standard of living would make me happy.
But it hasn’t." "Was your mother happy, Jan?" I inquired. "No, not
really.
When I was a teenager my mother shared with me
that she always wanted to be a dancer but had given up her dream for
her family. Her husband, my father, had insisted that she be the
‘good wife’. Mom felt that she had to follow her mother’s model of
stifling her desires to play the role of wife and mother.
When I asked my mom if she was sorry that she had
made that choice, she told me, with an unemotional voice, that she
was grateful for her good, secure life, but felt as though she had
given up something. Mom even admitted to me that she probably took
out her resentments on her husband by withholding affection and
spending lots of his money.
She was feeling guilty for the times her
resentments caused her to be impatient with my sister and I." When I
asked Jan what decision she was making from that conversation, she
said, "I’m deciding that women have to play their roles as wife and
mother. But Helene," she went on to explain, "I thought I had also
made the decision that I would be different.
I would work outside of the home and have more
freedom than my mother did." "You did," I replied, "But you seem to
be doing what you think you should be doing to make money, and to
please your husband and your children, and not what you really want
to do. Both you and your mother made what I have noticed to be the
biggest mistake women make in relationships.
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Don't Give Up Your Dream
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Both of you gave up your dream, gave up being who
you really are, and that is why you are unhappy. In a way, we can
say that you chose to give your power to your husbands and then
resented them for it." Jan related to what I was saying and then
admitted to me that her secret dream was to be an actress. "Ever
since I was a little girl," Jan shared, "I loved being on the stage.
I especially liked to play funny parts and make
people laugh. Everyone is so serious, we need to laugh more. Golly,
I just realized that ever since I got married, I automatically
became one of those serious folks." When I asked Jan why she didn’t
pursue her dream, she replied, "I didn't think that I could make
enough money being an actress. Bob didn’t give me much support in
that direction either.
He persuaded me to keep my well-paying position."
"Jan," I continued, "Have you been resenting him for not encouraging
you to follow your dream?" "Oh yes!" exclaimed Jan. "I don’t get up
to make him breakfast and my dinners are pretty bad, if I do say so
myself. I also won’t keep to the budget and I don’t have much sexual
desire.
Gee, I just realized that I’m doing just what my
mother did, including getting angry at my sons. What should I do?" I
suggested to Jan that she bring Bob into the office so that she can
share her truth with him, and I can help him hear her and work out
some win-win solutions. Jan was hesitant to make an appointment with
Bob until after she succeeded in overcoming her other blocks to
being an actress.
She had discovered in the counseling process that
she unconsciously didn’t feel good enough or that she didn’t deserve
to be happy. (Those are very common fears that stop many people from
going after their dream.) When Bob finally did come in, Jan was
feeling clearer and more powerful, and she asked Bob for what she
wanted.
Jan told him all about her dream and admitted to
resenting him for not supporting her. By the end of the session, Bob
was understanding his wife better and was willing to do what it took
in order for her to be happy. I acknowledged Bob for being flexible
and for truly loving his wife. I said, "When you have a mature love
for someone, you truly want them to be happy."
I was not surprised
but I was pleased when I received an invitation in the mail to
attend Jan’s first performance.
She wrote a note that it was not a big part but
she knew that it was a good beginning. What a joy it was to see Jan
glowing on the stage. Even though I knew that it was scary for her,
she looked very excited and as if she belonged up there.
At the end
of the delightful performance, Bob came over to give me a hug. He
also looked a lot happier and was obviously very proud of his wife.
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Helene Rothschild, MS, MA, MFT, is a Marriage,
Family Therapist, intuitive counselor, author, teacher, workshop
facilitator, and speaker. Visit http://www.lovetopeace.com for more
free articles, free newsletter, and a Personal Success online
course.
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