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Relationship
Six Tools To Repair Emotional Damage In Your Marriage
By Anthony Fiore, Ph.D.
Rudy and Marjorie were on the verge of divorce.
Married 12 years, they had constant verbal battles ending in what
therapists call emotional disengagement— meaning that they simply
ignored each other for days on end.
Emotionally, they were simmering inside and also
lonely for each other, but were unable to reach out and communicate
these feelings. They were in a “cold war” with both waiting for the
other to make the first move to melt the icy atmosphere.
This couple suffers a common marital malady lack
of skills to repair emotional damage done to each other.
According to marital research, almost all couples
fight; what often separates the masters of marriage from the
“disasters” of marriage is the ability to repair the subsequent
damage.
Acquiring good repair skills gives the couple a
way to recover from the mistakes they may have made. These repair
skills provide a fix for the damage caused in attempting to
communicate to each other in a way that caused emotional hurt to one
or both of them.
It is common for partners to make relationship
mistakes - after all anyone can have a bad day, be under too much
stress or just use poor judgment in dealing with a situation.
Rather than emotionally disengaging from each
other or staying angry, try to fix it if you are the offender.
And if you are the receiver of the damage, your
challenge is to find a way to accept your partner’s repair attempt
that is, to see your partner’s repair attempt as an effort to make
things better. _______________________
Repair Tool #1 Apologize
_______________________
A simple sincere and heartfelt apology can
sometimes do wonders for a relationship, especially if your partner
sees you as a person who never admits they are wrong or at fault.
Say things like: I’m sorry; I apologize; What I
did was really stupid; I don’t know what got into me.
____________________________
Repair Tool #2 Confide Feelings
____________________________
Be honest and share the feelings that are
underneath the anger such as fear, embarrassment, or insecurity.
Your partner may respond to you quite differently if they see those
other emotions, instead of just the anger.
Confiding what is in your heart and in your mind
can make a huge difference in promoting understanding, closeness,
and intimacy.
Say things like: I was really afraid for our
daughter when I got so angry; I didn’t want to hurt you; I just lost
my cool.
____________________________________________
Repair Tool #3 Acknowledge Partner’s Point of View
____________________________________________
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with it; just
acknowledging it can decrease tension and conflict because it shows
your partner you are at least listening to them. It also
demonstrates empathy the ability to see things from their vantage
point instead of only yours.
Say things like: I can see what you mean; I never
looked at it that way.
______________________________________________________
Repair tool #4 Accept Some of the Responsibility
for the Conflict
______________________________________________________
Very few conflicts are 100% the fault of either
partner. Instead, most conflicts are like a dance with both of you
making moves to contribute to the problem. Inability to accept any
responsibility is a sign of defensiveness rather than the openness
required for good communication.
Say things like: I shouldn't’ have done what I
did; I guess we both blew it; I can understand why you reacted to me
that way.
________________________________
Repair tool #5 Find Common Ground
________________________________
Focus on the issue at hand and what you have in
common rather than your differences. For instance, you might both
agree that raising healthy children is a common goal even though you
differ in parenting styles.
Say things like: We seem to both have the same
goal here; we don’t agree on methods but we both want the same
outcome.
_____________________________________
Repair Tool #6 Commit to Improve Behavior
_____________________________________
I’m sorry doesn’t cut it if you continually repeat
the offensive behavior. Backup words with action. Show concrete
evidence that you will try to change.
Say things like: I promise to get up a half hour
earlier from now on; I’ll call if I’m going to be late; I’ll only
have two drinks at the party and then stop.
Tony Fiore, Ph.D, is a practicing psychologist and
anger management trainer in Southern California. He can be reached
at 714-771-0378, on the web at www.angercoach.com or by email:
drtony@angercoach.com. He publishes a free monthly newsletter
"Taming the Anger Bee", and is also co-author of
"Anger Management For The Twenty-First Century" which explains the
eight tools in much more detail. Century Anger Management
www.centuryangermanagement.com
provides certification training for anger management professionals.
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