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Relationship
What Do Wives Really Want in a Husband? Part One
By Nancy Wasson, Ph. D.
Numerous men have pondered the questions, "Why does my wife say
she’s unhappy? What does she want that I’m not doing?"
Many of the men raising these questions have been blindsided by a
wife’s confession that she’s not happy in the marriage and wants a
separation or divorce. I've seen many examples of this dynamic in
marriage counseling sessions that I've conducted.
It can be confusing to try to figure out what a
partner wants. And men, in particular, are having a harder time than
ever because of changing expectations on the part of many females.
In the past, it was enough for a husband to be a good provider, to
have stable employment, and to bring home an adequate paycheck. If
he didn’t ordinarily drink too much, gamble his paycheck away,
mistreat his wife, or blatantly run around, then he was considered a
"good husband."
But now, that’s not enough anymore for many
females. Enter the age of the "soul mate" a word that signifies a
deep bond and heart connection, someone who’s on the same "wave
length" as his or her partner.
Soul mates are compatible and bring out the best in each other. The
relationship has satisfying intimacy and includes friendship and
companionship as well as love.
The connection between soul mates is sustained by
emotional intimacy and the delight the partners share at having
found each other. They share feelings easily and keep each other
informed as to what they’re feeling, what concerns they’re wrestling
with, what they’re worried about, and what their hopes and dreams
are.
Soul mates often say they feel a spiritual as well as an emotional
connection to their partner.
A number of couples feel deeply connected at the
beginning of their marriage. Both individuals are trying their best
and are putting genuine effort and energy into the relationship.
Even reticent, quiet males often make an effort to talk more and
connect at this early stage in the marriage.
But, over time, the quality of the relationship
can change, often for very understandable reasons, like parenting
demands and wives may begin feeling disconnected from their mates.
Many husbands do not understand the importance of strengthening and
nurturing emotional intimacy in a marriage. They may not feel
comfortable sharing their feelings. In fact, they may not even be
able to put their feelings into words and communicate them to their
spouse.
A friend’s husband once remarked that he’d rather
stick pins in his eyeballs than have to share his feelings. And as a
counselor with many years of experience, I know that he’s not alone
in feeling this way. Many men feel the same way.
The old model of marriage demanded a real man, and
a real man didn’t cry, didn’t show his feelings, and didn’t talk
about his feelings.
He was strong, always in control of his emotions, and he solved his
own problems without help from anyone else. While he was being
emotionally strong, his wife was usually feeling increasingly
distanced and disconnected from him.
Some men have asked, "Well, what do women want,
then? Do they want us to act like their female friends do?" The
answer is both yes, and no.
No, they don’t expect their husbands to be as interested in every
little aspect of certain things as their female friends are
(planning a baby shower, deciding what dress to wear to a special
event, for example). But yes, they do expect to get emotional
support and sharing of feelings from their husbands on a regular
basis.
So what’s a husband to do who has neglected this
vital area of staying emotionally connected in a marriage? For
specific recommendations often used in marriage counseling, read
Part Two of "What Do Wives Really Want in a Husband?"
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of the book
Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love
you anymore!" This is available at
http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com,
where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage
Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your
marriage. |
