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Relationship
How You Answer This Question Can Change Your Marriage
By Nancy Wasson, Ph. D.
Imagine the following scenario. Your spouse has given you an
important letter to mail and is counting on you to mail it on your
way to work. But you slip up...you forget all about it until you're
on the way home. "Oh, #$@!!" is your first reaction. You know the
spouse will be upset.
You frantically search the car and your briefcase
for the letter, but it's gone. You can't find it anywhere. Now what
do you do? What will you tell your spouse when you get home and he
(or she) asks you if you mailed the letter?
Will you say, "It got lost" or will you say, "I
lost it"? Your answer to this question gives insight into your
willingness to accept responsibility for your actions. According to
Sidney J. Harris, "We have not passed that subtle line between
childhood and adulthood until ...we have stopped saying 'It got
lost,' and say 'I lost it.'"
As long as you avoid taking responsibility for
your actions or you look for reasons to avoid admitting you goofed,
you're not being honest with yourself. When you accept
responsibility and stop rationalizing and blaming, then you can
start to focus on what you can do differently that will produce
different results next time.
This is not easy to do. Especially if you're in
the habit of placing blame elsewhere. Accepting responsibility in a
marriage takes courage, above all when a spouse is at fault.
Mark, a long-time procrastinator, always had a
list of reasons why he hadn't been able to get around to doing the
house maintenance chores. It was too cold or too hot, he was too
tired, or he didn't have the right tools or enough time.
He would always promise to do the chores another day. Mark's
behavior greatly irritated his wife Anne, and she began to resent
his constant excuses.
It wasn't until Anne expressed her dissatisfaction
with their marriage, giving Mark's habitual procrastination as one
of the reasons, that Mark really looked closely at how his behavior
was hurting his marriage relationship.
In marriage counseling sessions, he learned to take responsibility
for his part in what happened each day. He also learned to pay
attention to the words he selected to describe what happened.
Mark learned that when he said, "There wasn't
enough time to fix the faucet," he often really meant, "I didn't
schedule enough time to complete the job today." And if he went a
step further and was even more honest, he also meant," I don't
really want to do this, so I'm putting it off."
Once Mark was more aware of his behavior patterns,
he was able to have an honest talk with Anne. He told her that while
he didn't mind doing some of the repair jobs, he really didn't want
to have to spend the time the others would require.
They talked it over and decided to hire someone to do the repairs
Mark knew he would in all probability never get around to doing. He
made a resolution not to make promises unless he really planned to
keep them. He also resolved to be honest with Anne upfront instead
of dragging things out for months.
These changes made a major difference in Mark and
Anne's relationship. Anne didn't feel like "the nagging wife" any
longer, and Mark didn't mislead her by making false promises. Less
friction in the marriage allowed them time to focus on each other's
good points and to enjoy more harmony in their relationship.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your
Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you
anymore!" The e-book is available at
http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com,
where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet
Magazine. Contact Nancy at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com. |
