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Relationship
What Do Wives Really Want in a Husband? Part Two
By Nancy Wasson, Ph. D.
In Part One, we looked at what wives really want in a husband and we
identified two things in particular. Wives want a soul mate who they
feel deeply connected to and they want emotional support and
emotional intimacy. This means that they want a husband who will
talk about his feelings and who values having an emotional
connection.
So what’s a husband who has neglected this
important area of marriage to do? The first thing is to understand
the necessity of emotional intimacy in a happy marriage. The second
thing is to take action. The following steps are often presented in
marriage counseling sessions and will help in making a beginning:
1. Set a time with your spouse when you can
talk and process the day’s events
Some days, you might only need ten or fifteen minutes to keep your
emotional connection strong. On other days, you may have more to
share and reflect on.
During this time with your spouse, make a real
effort to share your feelings. When your wife talks, concentrate and
listen to her. Listen to the feelings that are beneath the words she
is saying. If you’re not sure of something, check it out by asking a
question.
So that you can give your spouse your full
attention, turn off the TV, radio, and CD player during your time
together. Take the phone off the hook and try to have uninterrupted
time, if possible. Communicate by your words and your actions that
you value this special time with your wife, and protect it from
intrusions.
2. Push yourself past your comfort zone in
making an effort to really share your feelings, problems, and
concerns
I have known husbands who didn’t share important happenings in their
life because they didn’t want to worry their wives. They didn’t
realize how left out and unnecessary their wife was going to feel
when she found out later.
A common reaction is for a wife to feel that her
husband doesn’t really "need" her if he doesn’t confide in her.
Wives can feel very hurt and rejected when a husband doesn’t share
his feelings, challenges, hurts, and unresolved problems.
And if you bury your feelings of anger or
resentment toward your wife about something that has happened, just
because you feel uncomfortable having to express these feelings, you
are setting the stage for bigger problems later on.
If you’re upset, state what you’re feeling and why. Talk about the
situation, look for a solution that’s a win-win one for your
marriage, and then let it go.
3. Watch your natural tendency to want to offer
solutions prematurely when your wife brings up a decision she is
wrestling with
Most men like to solve problems, and they also like to be helpful to
their wives. So a husband’s first reaction to hearing about a
problem his wife is having is to want to offer a solution
immediately.
This often irritates the wife, much to the
surprise of the husband. His agenda is to solve the problem quickly
and get it over with. Her agenda is to discuss the situation and
process it with her husband. She doesn’t necessarily want him to
tell her what to do she wants his listening ear.
When a husband really understands this gender-based difference, he
realizes that he doesn’t have to feel pressure to solve his wife’s
problems. He just needs to listen and be supportive as she talks
about them.
4. If you’re experiencing continuing difficulty
with expressing your feelings or handling negative emotions,
consider working with a counselor to improve your skills
You might participate in some individual sessions as well as some
joint marriage counseling sessions with your wife.
You might also experiment with writing your
feelings in a notebook, working on capturing just the emotion you’re
feeling when situations occur. You could write a letter to your
spouse stating your feelings if you’re having difficulty expressing
them verbally.
Writing allows you to take your time and to be sure you're
communicating exactly what you want to say in the best possible way.
5. Remember that most change occurs when you
make a number of small steps in a new direction
You won’t change overnight, but if you consistently keep trying to
improve, your actions can have a significant impact on the quality
of your marriage. And most wives don’t expect their husband to
change radically in a short time; they just want to see that he’s at
least making an effort to meet more of their emotional needs.
I have seen small actions on the part of a husband
save a marriage. Wives want to know that their husbands care about
them, that they value them, and that they want to be emotionally
supportive. And they want to see the actions that accompany this: a
real concern for their feelings, a desire to share intimate details
of their life, and the motivation to connect daily on an emotional
level.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of the book
Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love
you anymore!" This is available at
http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com,
where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage
Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your
marriage. |
