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Relationship
Tips for Forgiveness and Controlling Anger
By Ari Novick, M.A.
Deciding if you should forgive or not may be easier after reviewing
exactly what forgives is - and what it is not.
Forgiving does not mean that you forget the
offense
You may never forget (and probably shouldn't) what happened to you,
but after forgiveness you can remember it without the emotional pain
connected to it.
Forgiving does not mean that you are saying
what they did was O.K.
Quite the opposite. We can forgive but
still see what happened to you as horrific or unjust.
You don't need to even tell people that you
forgive them.
The forgiveness occurs in your heart - not in conversation with
them, although in some circumstances you may want to have a dialogue
about it. It often backfires if you go up to someone
(especially a relative) and say "I forgive you."
This occurs because the offending person often
doesn't see himself or herself as the problem. Better to do the
forgiveness in your own mind and heart. One exception to this is if
you are the victim of a violent crime. Some studies show that it
helps your healing if you forgive your assailant face to face.
Forgiving doesn't mean you will automatically
trust them again. Forgiveness and trust are two separate issues.
Even after forgiveness, it may take a long time to re-build trust,
if ever. To instantly trust someone again after they have violated
you in some way is not a sign of good mental health or strong
self-esteem.
Forgiving doesn't necessary mean you like or
love the offender, or even want to be in future relationship with
them.
Absence of angry feelings doesn't necessarily create warm, positive,
or loving feelings in you for the offender. At best, forgiving may
bring you up to neutral in your feelings toward them. It I possible
to say to yourself, for instance, "OK. I forgive her but I don' want
to have anything further to do with her...ever."
You don't need to forgive all at once.
This is a concept that especially applies to forgiving an
unfaithful partner. Dr. Abrams-Spring suggests, "To start, maybe you
can only forgive 10%," just open the door and then see how your
unfaithful partner behaves.
After a period of time, you might want to open the
door a little wider and forgive maybe another 20%, and so on.
Ari Novick has a masters degree in clinical
psychology from and is the co-author of the anger management
workbook "Anger management for the Twenty-first Century". For more
information go to http://www.ajnovickgroup.com
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