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Relationship
Give Your Spouse Space to Breathe and Grow
By Nancy Wasson, Ph. D.
When you’re married, the boundaries between yourself and your spouse
aren’t always clear. For some people, marriage brings the
expectation of spending as much time as possible with a spouse and
doing most things together. In this model of marriage, the two
people generally function as a single unit in thought and actions.
In other cases, individuals may not have learned
healthy boundaries as children, and they may have been exposed to
negative control on the part of adults in their life.
In her book Facing Codependence, Pia Melody lists negative control
as one of the secondary symptoms of codependence that affects your
relationships with others. She defines negative control as giving
yourself permission to determine someone else’s reality for your own
comfort.
According to Melody, negative control “happens
whenever I give myself permission to determine for another person
what he or she should look like (including dress and body size), or
think, feel, and do or not do.”
There is also a flip side to negative control, which is “allowing
someone else to control me.” Melody continues by stating, “Whenever
I fail to determine for myself what I look like, what I think, what
I feel, and what I do or don’t do, and allow someone else to control
any of those things for me, I am participating in negative control.”
When you do not have healthy, distinct personal
boundaries, you may try to change your spouse to be more like you
want him/her to be to meet your needs and expectations.
In so doing, you are dishonoring your partner and are not respecting
his/her unique individuality and right to make choices. You are also
failing to provide protected space so that your spouse’s individual
growth and potential can flourish.
Couples who do everything together miss putting
important spaces in their togetherness so that new, separate growth
can occur. Without new growth and fresh input from each person, a
relationship can stagnate and lack vitality.
It’s important for each spouse to have some time
alone to pursue individual interests or enjoy being in solitude.
Anne Morrow Lindberg, in her classic book, Gift from the Sea, states
that “Only when one is connected to one’s own core is one connected
to others, I am beginning to discover. And, for me, the core, the
inner spring, can best be refound through solitude.” Solitude and
time to “just be” can help each partner replenish energy and a sense
of well-being.
Kahlil Gibran’s words about marriage in The
Prophet have been quoted often through the years, but they keep
their wisdom and meaning: “...let there be spaces in your
togetherness. And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”
He continues by saying, “...And stand together, yet not too near
together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak
tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
When you crowd your partner and don’t give him or
her breathing room, you run the risk of smothering the very
relationship that is most important to you. Enjoy your togetherness,
but also honor your individuality.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your
Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you
anymore!" The e-book is available at
http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com,
where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet
Magazine. Contact Nancy at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com. |
