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Relationship
What Men Look For in a Potential Wife
By Neil Chethik
There’s little debate that a woman’s physical appearance is a
crucial factor in attracting a man. Influenced by his culture’s
focus on the female form, the typical American man responds to
physical cues: a tapered ankle, a narrow waist, shapely calves,
silky skin over high cheekbones.
According to the VoiceMale study – in which 350
American husbands were asked about their marriages – 55 percent of
men acknowledge that they were initially drawn to their future wives
by some aspect of her looks.
But according to the same study, physical beauty
is far from sufficient to bring a man to the altar. Rather, when a
man is seeking a long-term relationship (as opposed to a short-term
liaison), he tends to look beyond a woman’s physical attributes to a
host of less tangible assets, including her attitude, bearing, and
character. Over the past three years, while
researching my book VoiceMale, I’ve had the chance to talk
face-to-face with hundreds of husbands. And when I examine what
personality traits matter most to men, one attribute stands out: a
positive temperament.
Men measure the mood of the women they might
marry. And not surprisingly, they prefer a woman in a generally
positive frame of mind. Here’s a sampling of
what husbands said they noticed first about the personalities of
their future wives:
- “She was the life of the party. She just
generated energy in a gathering.”
- “I found her so vivacious and alive. I
remember saying to myself, ‘I’m going to take that woman out
sometime.’”
- “She was outspoken and enthusiastic.
She had this openness and joy.”
- “I was going through some dark times.
All of a sudden, here came this girl. She was bubbling,
extraverted. I got the enthusiasm.”
- “I look people in the eyes. I looked into her
eyes and saw merriment.”
Men emphasize mood because they recognize that
marrying a woman means being permanently within the sphere of
her energy. Indeed, many of the men I spoke with said they spent
their childhoods in homes where their mother’s temperament
dominated.
If she was angry, bitter, or depressed most of
the time, others in the house tended to feel that way too. If,
on the other hand, she radiated optimism and warmth, that
attitude permeated the home. Men
acknowledge that it’s unrealistic, and probably unhealthy, to
expect a woman to be perpetually cheerful. Nonetheless, based on
my conversations with scores of husbands, when a man in search
of a wife meets a woman who is drawn toward the positive, he
tends to be drawn toward her.
Close behind physical beauty and optimism in attracting a man is
another personality trait: self-confidence. While some men might
be scared off by a woman’s assertiveness, most are looking for a
long-term relationship with a strong and competent woman.
This emphasis on a woman’s self-confidence was
especially prevalent among men who were married in the last
thirty years. Modern men want to know: Can she earn a share of
the family income? Can she handle herself in the working world?
Beyond physical beauty, a positive outlook, and
self-confidence, the men I surveyed named a handful of other
attributes that attracted them to women they would later marry.
Here are the most common of those:
Brains. Dave, a man in his mid-forties, told me the following
story about his intellectual connection with his wife-to-be:
Dave was working for an environmental
protection agency. Lori, a teacher from a local community
college, asked Dave to lead a field trip for her students to a
local stream. That day, during a conversation with Dave, Lori
said:
“You know, getting people out to the creek
like this would be a great way to develop public support for
infrastructure financing.”
Dave later told me that when he heard that
last phrase – “develop public support for infrastructure
financing” – his heart melted. “Her technical vocabulary, and
understanding of one of my key professional goals, caused a
visible, physical reaction in me,” Dave said. They’ve been
married for six years. Motherliness.
Some of the husbands I surveyed said that before they married,
they were not interested in dating a woman who already had
children. But a few said exactly the opposite. “Her sons were a
plus to me,” recalls a fifty-three-year-old business consultant,
married twenty-four years. “I was kind of looking for a
ready-made family.”
When this man first discussed marriage with
his then-girlfriend, she warned him, “My sons will always come
first.” He took that as an indication of what a loyal person she
was. “I understood it, and I accepted it.”
Another man, forty-three and recently married,
told me: “For me, having a built-in family was very attractive,
as I had lost a baby during my previous marriage. Her son has
filled a space in my life that had been previously empty.”
Devoutness. Peter, a man I interviewed when he
was 50, was 26 when he first met Barbara at church. He had just
given up alcohol after several years of almost daily partying.
For many weeks, they saw each other only on Sunday mornings.
Then he asked her out.
Twenty-three years later, I spoke with Peter
about Barbara: “I was attracted to her character. She would talk
about God. Other women I knew wouldn’t do that…. She was real,
not trying to flaunt anything. She accepted people where they’re
at. Everybody was valuable to her.” Peter adds: “I was a good
person, but she made me want to be better.”
SIDEBAR: Where to Meet a Spouse
According to the VoiceMale Survey, he’s where men met their
wives:
- 24 percent met in school, some as early
as elementary school.
- 18 percent met at a social event, such as
a dance, party, or wedding.
- 18 percent were introduced by friends or
family members.
- 14 percent met at work. (This figure has
changed dramatically since 1960s. Among those men married
before 1970, only 2 percent met their wives at work. This
compares to 23 percent among those married in the past three
years.)
- 6 percent met at a bar.
- 4 percent met at church, synagogue, or in
another religious setting.
- 1 percent met their wives on-line.
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Neil Chethik is a professional educator. He is degreed in
journalism, and my specialty for the past 15 years has been
the psychology of men. I have taught hundreds of therapists
through Continuing Education programs in a number of states.
For more information on Neil Chethik and the VoiceMale
Survey, visit www.NeilChethik.com. |
