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Relationship
How To Save Your Marriage
By Kaveh Nayeri, MS
Getting married (or beginning an intimate relationship) is, in a
way, like starting a business you’ve always wanted to own or a
university program you’ve always wanted to enter.
It may be relatively easy to begin but it is
almost guaranteed to be very challenging to stay with it for the
long-term and make it a success.
Which one do you think is harder? Being successful
in your marriage? In your education? Or in your career?
They are all challenging to achieve for most of
us. Yet they are also goals that most of us pursue or dream about.
Not everybody wants to get married but most adults want to have some
form of love relationship that feels good and is right for them. And
the topics in this article apply to all intimate and significant
relationships, not just marriages.
Indeed the drive to form and maintain a successful
love relationship seems to be consistently strong in most adults.
And I have observed this repeatedly in my work as individual and
couples therapist.
At the same time our 50 % + divorce rate clearly
communicates the message that making our love relationship last and
flourish is difficult.
If we add to the high occurrences of divorce, the
numerous unhappy marriages out there in which the partners feel
hopelessly stuck my point becomes even more clear.
In my work as a mental health clinician I have
seen marital and relationship discord often. And as a husband in an
11-year marriage I have felt the severe pains of marital crisis.
Along the way I have formed some wisdom on ways to
understand, preserve, and improve your marriage. I teach these in a
workshop called "All About Love" and will present them in this
article. Also you can log onto my website at
www.loveyoursoul.com for
additional information.
Please keep in mind that most of the advice I am
providing below apply and are suggested to both you and your partner
even if I do not always mention him or her. However in the event
that your significant other is not willing to follow this advice, I
suggest that you do them on your own and invite your partner to join
you as soon as possible.
1. EXPECT RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
All or most marriages run into small and large
problems eventually. Some marital problems can be anticipated and
avoided. Others cannot be foreseen and must be faced, worked
through, and resolved by both partners.
Marital crisis is often very painful to go
through. But that does not mean that the marriage should be ended.
Conflicts are often tests of the strength of the
love relationship. These are tests that both partners must take and
pass before the marriage can graduate to a higher level of mutual
satisfaction.
Your marital problem should tell you that there
are some things that you have not understood about your partner and
vice versa. You may also have lost hope for the relationship and
neglected each other’s needs.
There is work to be done by each of you. It will
probably be hard work but it is also required work to help resolve
your marital conflict and for each of you to grow personally.
2. OBTAIN OUTSIDE HELP
The pain and complexity of marital crisis often
handicap the couples’ ability to resolve the problem on their own.
It is important that you start receiving couples counseling soon
after the crisis begins because the longer you wait the more
difficult it will be to save the marriage.
You should treat the crisis as a relationship
emergency and act right away to get all the help you need.
It is important that you find a therapist who has
the experience, knowledge, and motivation to treat marital problems.
Also you and your partner should collaborate in order to choose a
therapist who seems right for treating your marriage.
Also there are many organizations that provide
relationship services. You can locate them through the internet, the
phone book, your church, etc. I like the services advertised on the
websites: http://imagorelationships.com and
http://embracemarriage.com.
In addition you can request help from mature
friends or relatives that you trust. Their help can be valuable and
may include sharing their own experiences with marital problems,
listening to you, or offering other support.
3. UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER
You must work hard to understand and change what
is bothering your partner in the relationship. Chances are that even
though your partner loves you there are significant and persistent
problems he or she sees in you. And your partner may have lost hope
for the relationship because of them.
You need to better understand your partner’s
perception of these problems. It may be that your partner has a lot
of dislike or fear for a certain problem. This fear was probably
developed before you knew each other.
The persistence of these problems in you can be
severely disappointing your partner even if they do not seem to be
major issues to you.
For example your partner may have a large need for
your time and affection because he/she was severely deprived of this
in childhood and past relationships.
Your partner could be feeling hurt and
disappointed in the relationship because this need has been
misunderstood or neglected. The solution in this case would be for
you (and your spouse) to become aware of the high importance of
regular affection for him/her and to make sure the marriage takes
care of this need.
If you identify these types of problems and work
hard to resolve them, your loved one is likely to feel better about
the relationship.
As usual this works both ways and you can ask your
partner to do the same for you.
4. PRAY FOR THE MARRIAGE
Spirituality and regular prayer are powerful ways
that can help you and your spouse heal your damaged relationship. It
is important that you pray for your partner as well as for yourself.
You can also ask God to help and heal your marriage.
There is a lot of variety and choice of spiritual
practices. I suggest that you find and practice one that fits with
your beliefs and feels right for you.
Spiritual strength could give you both the
patience, peace of mind, understanding, love, and forgiveness that
is often necessary to work your way out of marital trouble.
5. TOLERATE THE EMOTIONAL PAIN
Marital crises often involve severe emotional pain
for both partners. You or your spouse may feel very depressed,
angry, terrified, confused, hopeless, etc.
Many people end their marriages because they do
not want to tolerate these pains or because they believe that the
marital problems will never go away.
But the old saying: "No Pain, No Gain" often holds
true for marriages and most marital problems can be solved if both
partners are willing to put in the necessary work.
Counseling, spiritual practice, and if needed,
medication can help relieve some of your emotional pain. But often
much of the pain brought on by marital crisis must be tolerated
until the marital wounds are healed.
You and your partner need to understand and accept
that you are wounded emotionally and that the healing process may be
slow and gradual.
Not all marriages or relationships deserve to be
saved. And not all emotional pain associated with a relationship
should be tolerated to preserve it.
Extreme situations for example when one partner is
regularly physically abusing the other and is refusing to seek
professional help may require divorce or a break-up to solve the
problem.
But emotional injury caused by typical marital
conflicts can often be treated and healed. However this process
typically involves emotional pain and your ability to tolerate and
live with this pain is a valuable skill.
I often tell my clients "Happiness is on the other
side of the pain".
In order to better understand and save your
marriage you must work your way through and past the body of
emotional pain that is blocking your way to marital happiness.
And if you do this work successfully your marriage
will arrive at a new, higher grounds, where you can both feel free
of pain and full of relationship joy, love, and appreciation of the
meaning of marriage.
Kaveh Nayeri is a Relationship Coach and Author
with a master's degree in marriage and family therapy and 18 years
of related experience. Kaveh guides love relationships (with your
partner or self) away from pain toward healing, love, and peace.
Kaveh can be reached at 858-459-8695 for phone coaching. Visit
http://www.loveyoursoul.com for a complete listing of coaching
services and teleclasses. Kaveh can also be reached by email at
knayeri@msn.com |
