|
Relationship
10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship
By Dr. Robert Huizenga
1. Be predictable
When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What's
up? Why is he doing that? He's never done that before. That is so
unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home
late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes
unpredictable. You get the picture?
Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and
trust can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to
build trust. Be consistent in what you do. This doesn't mean you
must be boring.
If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so
often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be
spontaneous consistently! Be true to who you have always been and be
that consistently, whoever you tend to be!
2. Inform your significant other when you
become "unpredictable."
No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and
changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is
happening and where we are going.
Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make
some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and
unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through
intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is
accompanied by a little chaos.
Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for
something better/different/richer/deeper, but for heaven's sake,
inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, "I really
don't know what is going on in me right now, but I'm moving in a
different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this
out.
I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or
scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be
there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!"
3. Make sure your words match the message
Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one
thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial
expressions are really saying something else, you open the
relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to
believe?
This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to
trust part of what you are saying. Here's a very simple but common
example.
You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to
you and says, "How do I look?" (And she's wearing a dress you don't
particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns
you off.) Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say, "You
look great." You don't really mean it and a part of her knows you
really don't mean it. But, you leave it at that.
This might not seem like a big deal - we all have done something
similar - but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even shakier
now.
Here's how to match the words with the nonverbal: "I think you are a
beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you dearly and it
will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see
your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put
your hands around her waist.)
She's not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a
need for affirmation. She's not talking about her dress or hair, but
about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You
respond to the real message.
You can take this one step further, if you like. At some point you
might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her
is there is anything you can say or do so that need is met. Trust is
awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding
to that!
4. Believe the other person is competent
I hear this phrase very often: "But, I don't want to hurt him." A
couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of
confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings
reconciliation and understanding. She believes truth telling is
destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true.
The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways.
(With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a
distorted perception that fits our personal needs.) Or, she may see
the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle
rigorous personal confrontation.
She doesn't trust that the other person has the internal strength or
stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and
equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust and does what
he does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence) to avoid the personal
confrontation as well. A dance is acted out.
Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and
somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity
to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and
begins to pervade the relationship. "Hey, she thinks I can handle
this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good! I CAN engage her and be truly
intimate!"
5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets
If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn't talk about
it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It
takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant
but knows he is bending his neck to look around something.
She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to
wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or
struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an
elephant is there.) And, when we can't trust the messages that come
from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of
the other person.
Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship
is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why
extramarital affairs are so damaging.
She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else
as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and
deception that are crazy making and energy draining.
Now, please. I'm not saying that you sit your partner down and
divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have
resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors,
learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal
shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify
as an elephant.
Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship
you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your
partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without
emotional charge.
However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional
charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself
in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to
be addressed with your partner.
6. Let YOUR needs be known - loudly
Be a little - no, be a lot - self-centered. (Be self-centered, but
not selfish!) Here's a problem I run into almost every day. He is
backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She
feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to "win
him back." So she begins an all out effort to "work on the
marriage."
She invites him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She
blasts full throttle ahead trying to "be nice" and meet every need
he ever said he had. She's going to "fill his tank with goodies."
Doesn't work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels "smothered" or
maybe even resentful: "Why is she doing this NOW!"
She's hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her
underlying motive - if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet
mine - just doesn't work. It's perceived as manipulation, which it
is. Of course, he doesn't say anything. After all, how do you get
angry with someone who is so "nice and caring?" Trust disintegrates
under a blanket of quiet niceties.
Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your
personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him:
"I need x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would
like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to
that?" He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, "What about
my needs?"
You respond, "I am very interested in hearing what is important to
you, certainly." Have you ever been around someone who stated
clearly what they needed/wanted? Didn't you respect that person?
Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood,
didn't that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?
7. State who YOU are - loudly
It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment
hold back from letting the other person know who they really are.
You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the
other person. This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to
pull off.
Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF. For one thing,
if you're like most of us, you haven't given much thought to what it
is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don't you feel like you glide through
life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments,
problems and the external realities?
Don't you tend to focus on those things out there or that person out
there? You're concerned about what he is thinking, how he is
responding to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be an
obstacle and where he will fit in your life? Your conversations may
be pleasant but fairly superficial and bluntly, boringly inane.
You converse about things/relationships/events out there. You are
reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a
stand. This doesn't destroy trust. But it doesn't create it either.
And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting
you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often
than not creates trust barriers.
Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards
for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What do
you order your life around? What are the 4 top values in your life?
What are some themes that you live by? What are you known for? And
then…begin letting significant people in your life know.
They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will
thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a
person of character. They will trust you. They can count on you.
They know exactly what is behind and within you.
8. Learn to say NO!
Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO! Saying
NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or
venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and
soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy
and makes you less than YOU.
You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy
you. You build a moat around the core of your life. You do this by
informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they
stop. If they don't stop, you demand they stop. If they don't stop
you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment.
To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED. Fear is the
basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and
believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will
prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear? Saying NO,
protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you
will not live in fear.
This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person.
After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to
that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust
you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm
as well?
9. Charge Neutral
When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge
neutral. Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of
contention in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by
defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves,
counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away.
Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of
mistrust and fear. Rather than reacting and having your feelings
flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging
neutral. Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but
also in how you carry your body. Don't speak with a charge to your
voice. Control your voice!
Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and
calmly. You can do this, once you master your fears. It will
dramatically change the flow of the relationship. You will be able
to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You
will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your
partner trusts that you won't fly or fall apart.
You will experience your personal power. This makes you very
attractive. Don't people really trust someone who knows their
personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and
others?
Your partner will love the fact that she can trust you consistently
to operate from your "quiet center," remain engaged, not back down
and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.
10. Dig into the dirt
Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring
trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and
growth. They become the grist from which your life is shaped and
formed. Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis,
questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move
toward the frightening unknown.
Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do
you really TRUST that this can happen? The purpose of your
relationship is not to make you happy. Do you realize this?
Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move
you to where you really want to be.
Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which
you intentionally write the script of your life individually and
together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you
will find more of your true self.
Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you
and your significant other are to face. Once you are able to believe
and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other
will be that much more easy.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has
helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the
agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his
website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com |
