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Sex
Making Love for a Lifetime: Seniors and Sexuality
By David Yarian, Ph.D
We are sexual beings, throughout the lifespan. This includes the
later years of life, which are often overlooked in discussions of
sexuality.
In this article I want to address some misconceptions about aging
and sexuality; report some survey information on sexual behavior
among seniors; describe physical, psychological and medical changes
that may accompany aging; and suggest positive and affirming ways
for seniors to continue to enjoy their sexuality to the fullest.
I. Some Myths about Aging and Sexuality
Many cultural "truths" convey the message that
sexuality is for the young. If seniors are interested in sex there
is something wrong with that. How many of the following myths and
stereotypes have you heard?
- Older people don't have sex, don't want sex,
don't think about sex.
- It's perverted for an older person to have
sexual thoughts; perhaps he is a "dirty old man".
- Women don't want sex, aren't interested in sex,
and are only going along with what men want.
- When you get "old", you can't have sex.
- Sex is for younger adults. (I saw a
cross-stitched sampler once which said "Kissing don't last -
cooking do".)
- If you can't have sex like a porn star, you
have no business trying it at all.
These are all misleading and incorrect
stereotypes. It is important to recognize that sexuality is a
central part of healthy living - all our lives!
II. Survey Information: What's Happening Out
There?
Three recent national surveys of older Americans
have focused on sexuality and sexual behavior. "Healthy Sexuality
and Vital Aging" (1998) was funded by Pfizer and sponsored by the
National Council on the Aging (NCOA) and surveyed over 1300 people.
The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) sponsored
national surveys in 1999 and again in 2004. "Sexuality at Midlife
and Beyond" looked at a nationally representative group of 1700
adults aged 45 and older.
The NCOA survey found that almost half of seniors
over sixty are sexually active; 39% want sex more often. The
majority of respondents reported having sex less often now than when
they were in their forties - 82% of men and 63% of women.
61% of men and 62% of women find sex equal to or
more physically satisfying than it was in their forties. With regard
to emotional satisfaction, 76% of men and 69% of women found sex to
be at least as emotionally satisfying as in their forties.
72% of men and 47% of women consider sex important
to their relationship with their partner. Men, however, were more
than twice as likely as women to report wanting sex more frequently.
This was true in all age segments - even in men 80 and older.
The AARP study found that the proportion of men
who've tried potency-enhancing medicines, hormones, or other
treatments has doubled since 1999. The majority (68%) report the
treatments have increased their sexual satisfaction. Their wives
also reported increased pleasure for themselves.
63% of men and women with partners described
themselves as either extremely satisfied or somewhat satisfied with
their sex lives. 51% of men and women surveyed reported having
sexual thoughts, fantasies, or erotic dreams at least once a week.
50% of women in the 45-49 age range reported that
they masturbate; 20% of women 70 and older said they masturbated. A
majority of all women - even those 70-plus - told AARP that self-
stimulation is an important part of sexual pleasure at any age.
Both these surveys, based on scientifically
randomized samples, indicate that seniors are having sex, thinking
about sex, enjoying sex - and taking steps to increase their
enjoyment and pleasure. Clearly sexuality is important to older
Americans, contrary to popular stereotypes!
III. Natural Changes Occurring With Aging
Most of us reading this are not twenty years old
any more! Our bodies are constantly changing - though many of us are
in denial. Orthopedic medicine is one of the fastest-growing medical
specialties, treating rotator cuff injuries, tennis elbow, injured
backs, torn cartilage, blown ACLs - in aging baby boomers. We're not
ready to give it up!
Your body changes as you age, and these changes
can affect your sexual relationships.
A. Physical Changes
Testosterone regulates your sex drive whether
you're a man or a woman. Most aging men and women produce enough
testosterone to maintain their interest in sex, though patches and
creams can provide an alternative source of the hormone to boost
desire if needed.
Men and women experience different changes in
their bodies as they age.
-- Women --
Most physical changes are linked to menopause and
reduced estrogen levels. As you age, it takes longer for your vagina
to swell and lubricate when you're sexually aroused. Your vagina
also loses some elasticity. Together these can make intercourse less
comfortable or even painful.
What to do:
- Longer foreplay increases natural lubrication.
- Use water-based lubricants, such as Astroglide,
Probe or Silk.
- Estrogen creams or hormone replacement therapy
can rejuvenate vaginal tissue.
- Regular intercourse helps maintain lubrication
and elasticity.
- Do Kegel exercises to keep the pelvic floor
muscles toned.
- If you haven't had intercourse for a while,
realize it takes time to stretch out - go slowly!
- Minimize any pain or discomfort. Desire usually
returns once any discomfort is relieved.
-- Men --
As you age, it might take longer to achieve an
erection; it may be less firm and it may not last as long. Aging
also increases the time between possible ejaculations.
What to do:
- Relax, stop worrying about it! Anxiety makes it
worse.
- Let go of performance expectations. American
media is filled with messages implying that masculinity and
virility is equated with youthful performance.
- Kegel exercises are very helpful for men also,
to tone the pelvic floor musculature.
- Take longer with sexual activities. You may
also need more direct physical stimulation.
- Try different positions, for comfort and extra
stimulation.
- Focus on pleasurable sensations, rather than on
hurrying towards orgasm and ejaculation.
- Viagra, Cialis or Levitra may help intensify
erections.
- Other medical devices, such as pumps, drugs and
implants have been developed. I would encourage a natural and
relaxed exploration of sexual possibilities before submitting to
an expensive and invasive medical procedure.
Intercourse is Not the Only Way to Have Sex!
Helen Gurley Brown, author of Sex and the Single
Girl, has said, "When people say they can't have sex because they
have a bad back, or arthritis, or all of the things that can affect
our bodies as we get older, I think what they're really saying is
they're looking for an excuse not to have sex. When you care, you
find that there are all sorts of ways to express sensuality."
Sexual ignorance, cultural values and media images
combine to "sell" the story that sex = intercourse - and having an
orgasm is the way to tell if you're accomplishing anything!
This mindset gets everything backwards. The
purpose of having huge concentrations of nerve endings and pleasure
receptors in our genitals is to experience pleasure.
While orgasms are wonderful, when sex becomes goal-driven to
"achieve" climax, it short-changes both partners' pleasure and
places enormous performance expectations and demands - which can
turn sex from playful, spontaneous, pleasurable sensual intimacy
between two people who care about each other into something like a
chore.
I highly recommend Marty Klein's book Let Me Count
the Ways: Great Sex Without Intercourse as an excellent guide and
encouragement in your creativity. (For more information about Marty
Klien's book look on:
http://www.books4selfhelp.com/sexuality.htm
)
Passionate kissing, oral sex, mutual masturbation,
telling erotic stories to each other, massage, hugging, touching,
cuddling -- all of this can be great sex!
What is most important is pleasure - giving and
receiving physical and emotional pleasure. We are all hungry to be
touched. We need touch. Without touch, babies do not thrive, and may
even die.
Grownups need to be touched too. (If you're reading this
and do not have a partner in your life, remember that self-pleasure
can be a very important aspect of self-care and nurture. It is
always possible to choose pleasure for oneself!)
B. Psychological Changes
The aging process may have psychological and
emotional effects - particularly as we live in a culture that
glorifies youth and extols youthfulness as the epitome of physical
beauty. (I would remind us all that this is market-driven: marketers
learned long ago that younger people are more likely to spend
disposable income, and are more influenced by advertising.)
- We may be embarrassed or ashamed of our sexual
needs as an older adult.
What to do: Get over it! Join the party. You
deserve pleasure in your life, from birth until the day you die.
- Changes in appearance affect how we feel about
ourselves. Bodies no longer match the idealized body images we see
in advertising and the media.
What to do: Realize that media has created the
youthful ideal of beauty. Celebrate and love the body you have!
Every wrinkle, stretch mark, gray hair, rounded contour, ache and
pain is a mark of your ever-increasing maturity and wisdom!
Bette
Midler once said that if you are a woman and consider yourself
unattractive -- visit another culture for a wake-up call. American
stereotypes of physical attractiveness are insane dreams invented
by marketers who are playing on our anxieties and insecurities in
order to sell us more products.
- Worrying about sexual performance may actually
reduce the body's ability to perform sexually; men may experience erectile dysfunction, women an inability to lubricate.
What to do: Relax! Relax... Enjoy your partner.
Look into his or her eyes. Breathe together. Cuddle, stroke, gently
massage each other. Sexuality is about pleasure, playfulness, and
spontaneity.
- Depression may reduce energy, optimism and
desire.
What to do: Exercise, do pleasurable
activities,
get sun on your face every day. Talk with your doctor about an
antidepressant medication. See a therapist. Talk with your friends.
Write your feelings in a journal. Any positive action taken - even
drinking a glass of water! - is a step towards moving out of
depression.
C. Changes Due to Medications and Surgery
- Chronic pain or surgery and illness that cause
fatigue can make sexual activities more challenging or painful.
What to do: Talk about it. Slow down, focus on
simple pleasurable activities. Experiment with different positions
or activities to discover what is most pleasure.
- Some commonly used medications can interfere with
sexual function. High blood pressure medications can reduce desire
and impair erection in men and lubrication in women. Some
antihistamines, antidepressants and acid-blocking drugs can have
side effects that affect sexual function.
What to do: Talk with your doctor about how to
minimize these effects. It may be possible to substitute alternative
medications that work as well as the original, but without affecting
sexual function.
IV. Improving Sex as You Age
David Schnarch, in his book "Passionate Marriage"
emphasizes that people become better lovers as they age. This runs
counter to cultural stereotypes which hold that sex is for the
young.
Older persons have learned a few things over time, and no
longer struggle with youthful anxieties and ignorance about
sexuality. (For more information about David Schnarch's book, look
on:
http://www.books4selfhelp.com/intimate-relationships.htm)
With age and maturity, it is more possible to slow
down and deeply experience all the pleasure that sensual sexuality
has to offer. It is possible to learn how to combine deep relaxation
with high states of arousal in order to have more intense,
longer-lasting sexual experiences.
- Expand your definition of sex. Sex is more than
intercourse!
- Communicate with your partner. Talk about what
you need and what you like. Discuss the changes you're going
through. Ask your partner about his or her needs and how to be
accommodating. Communication itself can be arousing!
- Make changes to your routine. Change the time of
day in which you have sexual activity. Mornings or afternoons may be
better than at night when you are tired or achy. Take more time to
set the stage for romance: romantic dinners or an evening of dancing
or a special time or place for lovemaking. Try a new sexual
position.
- Manage your expectations. If you didn't have sex
very often as a younger adult, don't expect to have lots of sex as
an older adult. Partners who enjoy frequent sex when they are
younger are more likely to continue that as they age.
- Take care of yourself. Eat a healthy diet and
exercise regularly, at least 30 minutes a day. Avoid alcohol as it
decreases sexual function in both men and women. Do your Kegel
exercises every day.
- Practice safe sex. If you have a new partner,
get tested. Use condoms. People over 50 make up about 10% of AIDS
cases in the United States
Most of all, simply enjoy the pleasureful
sensations which your body is amply equipped to experience. Take
time to nurture your relationship with your partner so that you are
feeling emotionally connected. Approach your sexual relationship
with playfulness, humor, patience and love.
Sexual pleasure is part of the birthright of being
human - and it is a lifelong resource for joy, health and personal
growth.
For further resources on Seniors and Sexuality -
books, magazine articles, films and Internet resources - see my
Resource page at http://www.DavidYarian.com/resources.htm.
David Yarian, Ph.D. is the creator of The Guide to Self-Help Books,
http://www.Books4SelfHelp.com
and co-author of Self-Help Central, an ezine to help you build a
better life with self-help resources. He is a Licensed Clinical
Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist in private practice in
Nashville, TN.
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